The Absence of Chaos

A playful puppy with boundless motion,

A hollow ball in its eternal maze,

A cauldron aboil its bubbling potion,

A forest’s contour when the sun’s ablaze.

***

At the cliff top edge they sit in notion,

A medley of chaos found in my wake,

This chorus of feelings stand in motion,

But there’s only so much that one can take.

***

Only so much sacrificing in name,

Of those who’d save face by seeing me break,

Those whose goal posts will never stay the same,

Conform and change for someone else’s sake.

***

Only so much of push and pull to thole,

Before it turns into a shove and fall,

Like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole,

But I’m pulled away from Wonderland’s call.

***

Then pushed to the depths of the lone abyss,

Silencing the ceaseless noise of chaos,

No playful pup, nor hollow ball amiss,

No witch’s brew nor forest’s hexed pathos.

***

Echoes of silence those gone left behind,

What’s lost I regret I took for granted,

And in its place, something worse than unkind;

Numb and void where apathy is planted.

***

I know of sadness, but can cry no tears,

I know of joy, but I paint on my smile,

I know of hate, but there’s no rage to fear,

I know of love, but fall prey to beguile.

***

I’m prepared for death by a thousand cuts,

Rock bottom is not my denouement,

It’s the absence of chaos, all it shuts,

The calm before the storm, all that is gone.

***

Thou shalt not know love, nor anger, nor hate,

The closest I’ll be to a Jedi Knight,

Those feelings I loathed from their crushing weight,

Now gone, alone, I’m too tired to fight.

***

But I want them back, my puppy, my ball,

My forest, my brew, my will to survive.

This feeling is worse than feeling it all,

For feeling it all was feeling alive.