“I always said I would let my heart bleed over the right track but I’ve let it bleed over a couple of tears and that’s just a matter of facts. Because the heart mourns even what we don’t need back. And the mind is distracted, so who can decipher that. I cop a plea with my heart and beg it to let me play my part. But see it’s too far gone. From a million reasons, it has none. Stumbling. Mumbling. The bottles are done. But I’m trying to give her the best of me or maybe just the rest of me. Because I can’t figure out how many pieces are missing. I’m not whole, are you listening? Sometimes I want to take flight and be as majestic as a dove but I can’t leave her behind because even broken I deserve her love. So who do I trust when my success is a must? When everyone is caught up in bullshit and lust? When I put myself aside for most, yet when I need them to help me recover, they are as good as a ghost. My brain is stuck in an endless loop of memories and fear. I try everyday to convince myself the end of that is near. I’m the glue. I need to be strong. Even when your fight just seems wrong. I stand up and smile and go that extra mile. It’s what I do. I can’t quit even tho I’ll admit some days it seems like the perfect solution. My life out here just seems like a perfect illusion. How can paradise not be right? All these disappointments are just blurring my sight. So much so that I swear I just might... no no no. I’ve worked too hard. Those thoughts need to be bolted and barred. It’s just a bad day not a bad life. Love can certainly cease my strife. I’m consumed by my desire to achieve greatness. No one said that determination would be painless.”
I don’t need to show my intelligence to prove,
I looked into the bathroom mirror
And a mascara smudged
Swollen lip girl looked back at me
I leaned on the cold countertop letting the pressure sting my thumb
My thumb where the devil whispered fire across the surface of my skin
Creating a bubble of a bad decision that would leave a scar.
A scar that would fade, but always be touched with a gentle throb of remembrance.
With my smallest finger I licked the tip
Giving it a Wet vodka soaked surface
I closed my eye and let my finger try to erase the black smudges underneath them only to create bigger ones
The crusty goo like mascara stretched over my dark bags and down my cheeks to where the apples peaked
Warm tears drew crystal paths through the dark pools of black
Their salty presence burning the lack of moisture in my face.
I turned the foset on and brought water to my eyes
Keeping them open in fear that I would see him there gripping me gently enough to feel safe and holding me tight enough to where I couldn’t escape
The burning of the hot liquid instigated the stinging of the mascara melting underneath my eyelids dying the whites of my eyes black
I let the warm tears cool down the burning in my eyes taking the mascara down my face into the pool of clear water in the sink
I looked up into the mirror. And for a moment I was okay.
But I touched the deep red of my swollen lips
They ached with resentment and were parched with pain but I couldn’t find the moisturizer I had for my lips
It was in the left cup of my bra
But I wasn’t wearing my bra anymore
Which was a shame. It was expensive.
Where the throbbing of my bottom lip met the parched skin of my recently dampened face
It burned like the sun hitting the sand right before the ocean water hits it.
And my bottom lip suffered because this ocean was dried up.
I looked in the mirror my cheeks red with regret
They were begging for attention
Because begging him to stop wasn’t enough
Because jeans and a sweater is such a tempting outfit choice for men
Because I’m completely without a doubt asking for it when I wasn’t even supposed to be there
Because my mascara smudges and sadness attracted him
I wonder if his cheeks got red like mine when I told him No.
I let the water fill the sink
And brought my hands together to submerge my face
The makeup that was left drew skin tone water art like a Chinese New Year without the celebration
The mascara that was left on my eyelashes filled the sink with crusty flakes and black residue
My lips throbbed with joy at the touch of cool against the burning flesh that was the only tang of dignity that I had left
And for a moment
I stood over the sink, avoiding the mirror in fear of seeing someone other than myself.
I watched my liquid nightmare slowly spiral down the rusted drain in a way that said it’ll meet me again
I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the counter with both hands hoping and praying to a God that I didn’t even believe in
But I opened my eyes, it wasn’t a dream.
All I could see then
Was dirty water and a wet countertop
My heart angers at the view of you
This whole world is right side up,
As I sit in silence, eyes wide shut I never seen things so vibrant
Stop walking like you learned to float.
If only I could say the words that are trapped in my throat