Swarm

I have a swarm of doubts in my head

that constantly make me question everything.

I find myself alone—

just my reflection and me.

I laugh and cry in front of the mirror,

where I only see myself… and sigh.

I try to understand myself,

but I also have to understand the world.

All I know is the days keep passing,

and I keep feeding my anxiety.

I'm full of fears

that keep me from becoming

that free version of me that lives within.

And I have to tell you something:

being here is not easy.

Sometimes I have flashbacks

of when I was a child,

riding a bike,

feeling the wind move through my hair.

I felt invincible, powerful.

I felt like time

was a rush of adrenaline,

pure happiness,

infinite freedom.

But now,

I keep hearing that distant voice

asking:

What’s the meaning of my life?

Which path am I on?

Which one should I take?

Am I doing things right?

Should I be on a plane to Thailand?

Should I be saving for a house?

Is it right to work eight hours in an office?

What’s the key to success?

Am I happy?

Am I a lost soul in this reality?

A dreamer

who just wants to live her days

watching trees, mountains, sunsets, and dogs?

I don’t know what my mission is—

I just know I want to be happy while I figure it out.

Time is passing so fast,

and saying “15 years ago”

feels like blinking and traveling through time.

It’s not easy to accept

how fast time goes by,

without pause.

When did we stop dreaming?

When did we decide we had to fit into society to find happiness?

When did we start living through a screen?

When did we stop getting excited

about the everyday details—

the moon,

colorful skies,

snowy mountains,

a sky full of stars?

When did we stop smiling at strangers?

Why did we stop wishing someone a good day,

someone who might have needed it?

Everything feels so regulated,

so controlled,

so fast—

there’s no time to be spontaneous.

It seems like everything’s programmed,

with dates and times.

It’s exhausting to do things

because you have to,

not because you want to.

And I know something is changing.

I have so many reasons…

but really, I don’t know.

And yes,

the idea scares me.