Suicide Note

Trigger Warning: suicide, suicide ideation, and notes. Please do not continue if you are sensitive to these topics. I won't be describing anything graphic, but it is a heavy topic that is not for everyone whatever stage of your life and/or healing you are in. Take care of yourself first!

On Friday, June 16th, 2023 at 12:24 am, I wrote the below words in my personal journal. I left it open to the page on my desk for my family to find and left my house with the intent of not coming back.

Thankfully, dear reader, I am still here today, and I want to share this 'poem', not for your sympathy, but for the hope of connection.

RE:SURGENCE has been a selfish project to convey my feelings about battling my mental illness through poetry. Little did I know that after sharing it with some close friends and colleagues I realized that while it was not intended for a broad audience, it could still very well help others like me to feel less alone, and maybe inspire them to seek help in their own unique ways.

You won't find many willing to talk about suicide, and that's more than understandable. Yet, I believe by talking openly and personally about it, we can tear down the stigma and fear around it, and hopefully reach those who need this support the most.

If you have been affected by suicide by your loved ones or yourself, please TALK about it! Even if it's only to the page. It's a major step in healing. And yes, you are worthy of love and YES it is a wonderful thing that you are still here. Your life is still worth living, up until that final breath. Tomorrow is waiting for you. Your future self is waiting for you.

Please, stay here with us. We love you.

__

I looked into my eyes

and I saw nothing but sadness

and defeat

I realize I’m not

grieving a relationship that I

held onto because I was

scared of being alone

I’m grieving the person I

used to be and

may never be again

I can’t live without hope

I’m done feeling sick

I just want ME back

I’ll take my phone with me

just in case.

Love you

__

END OF PART II

This is the 13th poem in RE: SURGENCE, a poetry collection by Amanda Starks that shares what it's like to have and fight against mental illness in a free-form, lyrical prose.

Be aware that topics and themes may include suicide, self-harm, and isolation.

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If you want a free copy of RE: SURGENCE in an online, fully formatted PDF document, subscribe to my email newsletter at www.amandastarks.com ( found under the CONTACT tab ), and it will be in your inbox once all the poems have been published here!