Suicide Note
RE:SURGENCE; poems about mental illness
Trigger Warning: suicide, suicide ideation, and notes. Please do not continue if you are sensitive to these topics. I won't be describing anything graphic, but it is a heavy topic that is not for everyone whatever stage of your life and/or healing you are in. Take care of yourself first!
On Friday, June 16th, 2023 at 12:24 am, I wrote the below words in my personal journal. I left it open to the page on my desk for my family to find and left my house with the intent of not coming back.
Thankfully, dear reader, I am still here today, and I want to share this 'poem', not for your sympathy, but for the hope of connection.
RE:SURGENCE has been a selfish project to convey my feelings about battling my mental illness through poetry. Little did I know that after sharing it with some close friends and colleagues I realized that while it was not intended for a broad audience, it could still very well help others like me to feel less alone, and maybe inspire them to seek help in their own unique ways.
You won't find many willing to talk about suicide, and that's more than understandable. Yet, I believe by talking openly and personally about it, we can tear down the stigma and fear around it, and hopefully reach those who need this support the most.
If you have been affected by suicide by your loved ones or yourself, please TALK about it! Even if it's only to the page. It's a major step in healing. And yes, you are worthy of love and YES it is a wonderful thing that you are still here. Your life is still worth living, up until that final breath. Tomorrow is waiting for you. Your future self is waiting for you.
Please, stay here with us. We love you.
__
I looked into my eyes
and I saw nothing but sadness
and defeat
I realize I’m not
grieving a relationship that I
held onto because I was
scared of being alone
I’m grieving the person I
used to be and
may never be again
I can’t live without hope
I’m done feeling sick
I just want ME back
I’ll take my phone with me
just in case.
Love you
__
END OF PART II
This is the 13th poem in RE: SURGENCE, a poetry collection by Amanda Starks that shares what it's like to have and fight against mental illness in a free-form, lyrical prose.
Be aware that topics and themes may include suicide, self-harm, and isolation.
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About the Creator
Amanda Starks
Lover of the dark, fantastical, and heart-wrenching. Fantasy writer, poet, and hopefully soon-to-be novelist who wants to create safe spaces to talk about mental health. Subscribe to my free newsletter at www.amandastarks.com for updates!
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More stories from Amanda Starks and writers in Poets and other communities.
We'z Walking on a Path Ruled By Numbers
This road has felt endless, yet limited; every step tracked. Inching away along this path, I feel trapped. Confined. Left to this narrow passage that may one day amount to something greater. Time is not a concept. Only distance. From start to finish, I laugh and cry and attempt to convince myself that this is worth it. I cannot stray. I must keep going. Every step etched, is a step taken, is measured as more than before. I cannot even recall how I got here. Maybe I don’t even really exist. Just another tick marking off a perceived presence. Of what though? I am just another line drawn. Nothing more, nothing less.
By Oneg In The Arctica day ago in Fiction
Comments (15)
This is a brave share. I am humbled by it.
Thank you so much for sharing this. The universe loves all its children. 💖
Poetry is good for helping you get feelings out. I lost my son to suicide so any way that we can raise awareness and destigmatize suicide is important. Thank you for sharing a beautiful poem. Take care of yourself!
Write 📝 write 📝 and just keep writing ❤️😉📝👌❗
Great poems for letting feeling out. I was a mental health nurse for quite awhile and anything creative can help with getting feelings out. Writing in one way.
It's hard to read this but written from the heart. My Amanda what things will you achieve!! Your such an amazing young woman and I couldn't be more proud of you. I love you so much🥰
Thank you for your graceful words
Poetry saved me, time and time again. I’m glad it’s there for you too, and this project is a way for you to resurge ❤️
This is heartbreaking but thank you for sharing this and thank you for staying. We definitely do need to discuss this topic more. I’m so glad you’re still here and inspiring others to hold on too.
I'm so grateful that you are still here. Sending you lots of love and hugs! ❤️
Courageous!!! Thank you for being here!!!
Amanda, thank you! It's a very important message, and one to which I can certainly relate. I battled a crippling depression for many years. My mother committed suicide, and so did my grandmother (in a much different way). Yes, we need to talk about suicide a lot more. I'm glad that you are still here with us to share your experience. Hopefully, it will open minds and heal some hearts.
I am so glad you are still here. I lost a friend to suicide and I struggled with my place in this world before. It is time to tear down the stigmas.
This one definitely hit home for me, but I am glad you wrote this. There's enough that happened to me and people close to me that I do not wish to share here, but I am glad you are making this visible.
I am proud of you for being willing to talk about an extremely vulnerable time in your life. You're right, suicide is a subject we dance around often, and I wish we didn't have to without worrying about offending someone. So in the spirit of being willing to talk about it, I'll admit that at one point in my life, I contemplated suicide. I was 10 and going through a lot in my life, including, but not limited to dealing with the start of puberty. It was the darkest period of my life and more often than not I was ashamed to admit those feelings. Thankfully I am in a better place and have gotten to the point of admitting it to some of my closer friends.