Social Anxiety

"Cat got your tongue?"
They say to me
I clutch my mother's skirt

stay away from me

Growing up shy
no one played with me
Selective mutism
nothing to say i see
Social Anxiety

they're all laughing at me

Where are they?
The words that play with the wind
The ones that float through my head

Write a poem to tell my truth
make a counsellor cry with my pain, you see?
Searching for words to say
think them all away
nothing left to say, i see
Where is the voice that speaks within
My lips get ready to talk
as they part in the middle
words disappear from my mind
I try so hard to overcome my own silence
I cannot dig in and keep conversation
I fall short of sentences with single words that form minimal effort

but it's not

You look at me, and I forget every word that ever existed
I hear your voice and my mind goes blank
You ask me what I want, and I only ever remember wanting you
I want to put my brain in my tongue and speak the words aloud
I wish for you to hear every thought that I've ever had
But I have no voice
I have been tracking it for days
Crafting the pretty things, it would say
So much floods in and I know it all
But I go to say it, and I lose it all
In therapy they teach me techniques
On how to talk and set boundaries
I try to apply it in real life
I try to talk out loud
But my mouth is sewn shut
and i can't find the scissors
or the knife
or anything that would open it
What word
what way?
How do I unlock the hidden chest in my tongue that will make it speak poetically?
What word
what line?
In my mind it flows so freely
fast rushing waters
Where is the voice
when did it leave?
I see traces of it floating through the air
I try to follow the invisible lines
But they stop suddenly

and so do I

It is my turn to talk
My heart races and sweat beads down my sides
If I focus on my paper, I can nail every word in every line
I look up to the crowd
woah
Taking it all in, I freeze in place
All the words just dissipate
panic
panic
panic
now i cannot breathe
cannot think
cannot