I remember that day all too well
you asked, i questioned, i answered, i fell.
You asked me calmly in the simplest way
if I would allow myself to be yours
I said no at first but then i thought
this could be better than i expect
I asked my best friend, your exgirlfriend if i could
I’d rather not have you than to loose them.
My face lit up with joy when that text revealed itself on my screen.
And that was it I messaged you again, told you to ask again.
You questioned at first but then you did.
I answered with that simple word.
I smiled for days, not even a storm could make me stop.
My friends had their happy friend back not the dark shadow that had once replaced her.
Months passed by, fall turning the leaves into an array of oranges and reds and yellows.
Snowfall soon came.
We stayed up late, talking for hours.
You asked me simple questions
“Are you okay?”
“Are you happy?”
I answered them with no hesitation.
More months came and soon it was over.
“I love you, I’m sorry, I’ll miss you, we’re over.”
I cried for days, wanting to talk to you.
People brought you up not knowing what had happened.
I couldn’t hear your name spoken from the lips of others.
While I was still mourning what we had, you moved on to another.
She was pretty, no she was perfect.
I sat there comparing myself, figuring out why you wanted her instead.
I degraded myself for hours on end, becoming the void I was before.
Slipping back to old habits, my closest friend became my blade.
Day after day I skipped meals, they tried to make me eat but I wanted to be perfect for you.
Soon I stopped caring, I realized we’d never happen again
I started eating, started enjoying my life again.
But then you came back.
You asked for advice and I listened.
“Do I stay with her or go after someone I love”
Without even thinking I answered and said
“Find out if they love you too or else make your current relationship work.”
You didn’t answer for a while, I started to fall asleep.
The notification woke me up,
“Do you still like me”
I read it and paused, stuck in a state of shock.
It was me you missed, but I had just gotten better.
That simple fucking word ruined that all
And that was it. I had sabotaged a relationship in which I didn’t care about anymore.
I hurt another girl just to be yours again.
We acted as if we’d never stopped, trying to pick up where we left off.
It didn’t work though, we stopped talking.
But I was still yours. I worried for days trying to fix whatever it was that I did wrong.
But I didn’t fucking do anything, it was all you.
Four months of dreadful silence before I said something about it.
You missed my birthday, but it didn’t matter, you were in your mind, thinking to yourself.
“ I didn’t miss her, just the idea, this was a mistake.”
You broke up with me in a group chat, I was in school at the time.
My best friend, your exgirlfriend texted me to let me know.
But that was it, it’s over now.
We can’t hold a conversation without it turning into inside jokes that only remind us of the past.
You’re with her again, and it has me thinking.
Mentally preparing myself with the words to say if you ever come back.
“I am no longer yours, I am my own.”