Silver lining in psych ward St.Mary’s

I remember waking up, a Tuesday, quarter past ten.

I tried to jump out of my skin again

I’m a loner

I surround myself with loners,

trading cash for those pills and giving my heart to whom ever will loan theirs.

I swallow the poison and wake up in here.

It’s resolve I feel, rather then fear.

The nurse says

it’s a mistake

She doesn’t know why I’m there,

She asks where it hurts

I say,

“Everywhere.

Everywhere.”

She assures me I’ll get out

but when I look at her feet

She has on no shoes

“Is she messing with me?”

I really did it this time..

Irony is keeping a phone in a room with 16 mental patients.

My hope is wearing thin and so is my patience.

The screams are haunting,

the bed room is cold, I fear I’ll be here

until I am old.

A girl named sky sniffs my hair during lunches

Holly believes she sets fire to all that she touches

Margaret says if the baby’s a boy his name will be Kurt

No one calls her out for having a pillow up her shirt.

On family day,

mine was the only one that showed.

Did the others have family?

Did the others have homes?..

My sister brought my favorite books,

A kindness I never knew I needed.

My mom told the orderly I preferred my room heated.

My dad didn’t say much

I don’t think he prefers to,

when time is up he holds me and says

“You can’t leave us yet”

And then he withdrew,

looked in my eyes and whispered,

“I’d to go to hell to find you.”

I look in the mirror

I look at my skin

Think of all the trouble I put it in.

All the bones that I’ve broken that always healed.

All the scars that I’ve painted,

And how much Ive dranken.

I thank the house that homes my soul

Because it’s all I’ve ever known.

And even though I haven’t shown it

I greatful,

And I owe it.

I wake a Tuesday, just 2 years later.

My life inverted and I’m the creator.

My 10 month old son just took his first steps

and my husband is warm as I lay on his chest.

Answered.

Every wanting,

every wish.

This is true nirvana

This is pure bliss.

Comfort is building a home in your skin.

A log cabin where you can

Breathe out and breathe in.

Your heart may be weary

Your mind, forlorn

But your body has loved you

Since the day you were born.

So eat up your carbs

And wear what you want

This temple is sacred and it’s yours to flaunt

Howl at the moon and never give in

True comfort,

I found,

Is under the skin.