She is Me

As I revise The words of my freshly dead soul I notice how all lines run cold.

The spark of reality no longer holding glimmer. My life here stuck on Simmer. There’s no way to explain my feelings toward

if I could just fast forward.

So here the gravity may seem more clear

at least my thoughts, as I stare in the mirror.

Before me peered different that day all the same visuals, no need to relay.

The reflection,

that is,

she won’t be seeing today.

It’s time I must be onto my day for

she you will be meeting, here come this way.

It was a day in March, our month.

Everything budding just as usual, a typical day.

I find my mind drifting, not paying attention to my thoughts, as if something were to pass over the screen setting the mood for the upcoming scene.

There she was just as peaceful as could be, with our people around admiring her beauty. Her electric personality shining through her beautiful blue eyes. But those eyes weren't the hardest part of my job, It was the skintone I was worried about. She needed the most color focused on her cheeks but could I make it natural without making it look like cheap?

I walk forward after a few moments of silence. Not realizing my body’s paralyzed state, the thoughts quickly flooding my senses.

I notice myself not wanting to go any closer. But this, no one else could do.

A couple more steps and I’ll be with her again.

I look down at the canvas before me imagining a business exchange. I think for a second of how I start any other face when doing a make up application.

The primer-

Makes the make-up last as long as possible.

Pulling up to the building, where I was to do my work, I couldn't help but think, this would be the last place I’d imagine to make her beautiful for everyone to see.

'Ironic' I think. Next the foundation-

to bring life into the skin and even any imperfections.

Reaching for the foundation I hear a familiar voice.

'Not too thick, you know I love my freckles'

Looking away I rebalance my emotional state “ I promise Kate, you will see every freckle.'

I've always envied her flawless skin and how she never needed foundation. The type that if she washed her face her skin would become a problem.

She was flawless.

After, I move to her eyes.

This part I couldn't ever get right.

This time though, I couldn't ask her to open with each layering of the shadow.

I scan the colors looking for the right combination focusing on the earth tones she would always point to.

I want her to look like her, I keep feeling my subconscious reminding me.

'What about a cat eye' I hear in her eager, somewhat challenging tone.

I can't help but roll my eyes.

‘Kate, you know I suck at them why can't we do your normal eyeliner?'

‘You don't suck, you're the best make up artist I know.' Not with a challenge, but the most sincere encouraging smile.

My heart begins to beat slow as if letting go of energy It can't hold any longer.

I look to her chest to see if her heartbeat was starting to become noticeable under the sheet. Maybe I could give up just enough of mine so hers will start up again. A few seconds past and no movement, as mine picks up speed I feel the anger building up.

'I'm not doing a cat eye, I want you to be you, I'm sorry.'

Drawing the line calms my anger and I think this is much easier than when your eyes aren’t twitching and fluttering all over the place.

I feel her mimicking me, the typical expression she used to indicate I'm not that funny.

There, it's perfect now I'll just add some eyeshadow to create depth.

Looking at her brows I see they have been neglected for a couple of weeks.

‘These are getting bushier and bushier.' I think loudly in my head.

'I can't help it, plus you always tell me to wait for you.’

She acknowledges her brow growth with a little insecurity. I interrupt quickly showing her how bushy brows are in and she is lucky it's not the other way around.

With her nod of agreement she waits for me to shape them.

As I finish up the right side I realize my breathing isn’t steady and the urge to pass out from all the overwhelming memories that are trapped my brain.

I turn away to catch my breath.

Tears rush to my eyes and the infamous 'ball in your throat' begins to form in mine.

Before I know it I can't stop them, and the ball in my throat seems to become bigger.

I want to collapse and lay in peace with her. I want to actually speak with her to ask if she is okay.

With my face in my hands I start to feel like I'm losing myself into a dark room that's darker than I could ever imagine, drifting further and further away.

But then I hear a familiar message in the most soothing voice, pulling me out of the dark room.

'I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that you are so so strong, and you're gonna make it through this'

And somehow I made it through, although there is no me without you.