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Self-Inflicted Heartbreak

by Charlotte Eden Morris 4 months ago in heartbreak
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The hole you left is unavoidably noticeable. The presence you have is still so real.

Self-Inflicted Heartbreak
Photo by DDDanny D on Unsplash

Breaking away from all that is dear,

The happiness that came from you entering the room,

Made everything else disappear and subdue,

I noted the way you made everyone laugh,

You were the heart and soul of every situation lucky enough to be in your path,

Looking at everything through rose tinted glasses,

It's surprising to know your in-depth depression and tangled mind is much like my own in this strange hour.

Suppressed beneath the surface of your charm,

For all you seemed to be was joyful and outgoing,

Strong and so in demand,

To those observing, you were calm and charismatic,

Your eyes glittered bright, and your heart poured out,

You led those that needed leading,

And helped those that needed helping,

For those qualities are rare, and more-so with the abundance of good will and kindness that came too.

You understood more than I understood about myself,

The drowning in emotions was something,

You simply just handed a life-jacket out,

I let it drift past, all through the day, until it was gone over the horizon - deep out of the bay.

Far out of the bay; of normality and reality,

Floating into the hazy purple candy floss clouds, into the abyss of another time and on,

So then it was nothing but a glimpse of what could have been,

What could have been, what should have been,

and here we are, pretending to be strangers when in fact there is little life that seems to know me like you.

After time to see me for everything I was, the messy entity that enthralls,

The depravity and the turpitude character in your existence,

The need to not be involved in the swift downward spiral of my omphalos.

Wanting to take all the leaves out of your book,

To be benevolent and intentional,

To be uplifting and powerful,

Yet all I have left is heartache and guilt,

Guilt of wanting to so badly be ready,

For holding on to you when it is unfair to drown you too.

Forgiveness is a fine thing, but nothing I wanted,

Love is something I don't deserve,

gratitude is the opposite of what I belong too.

There's a longing for you that will always stay put,

Much like a the constant pull of the current against my soul,

You are something to forever orbit in my universe and that itself is glorious.

There is so much hope I have for meeting you again,

The forever glowing star in the dark nights that torment,

A reminder of those times, with red wine and fine dining,

For the moments of cigarette breath and quiet midnight movements,

From sofa to bed, and bed to dreams,

Dreams to mornings; those mornings I hold so close;

With croissants, with records, with conversations so profound,

so wrapped up with warm mugs and time,

the extent of intensity, spellbound by you, curious for your raison d'être,

Time to sit, time to be, time to be present with my thoughts of you and me.

I realise now, I am still curious of you, I will always be this way inclined with you,

Divine timing seems strange, now more than ever,

When we are both so ripped apart, much like Christmas wrapping paper.


About the author

Charlotte Eden Morris

Big imagination, happy heart, black and white words.

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