Searching
This poem is about growing up with a mother who had a mental illness.
I was searching for a mother who wasn't there.
For the mother-daughter bond others, all seem to have that I was lacking.
Instead, I had a woman who would turn on me within seconds like a snake.
She wanted to bite me and make me live in fear of her sting.
She could strike at any moment.
Her moods were unpredictable.
She tried to give me a gender identity crisis.
"I always wanted a boy. But then I had you" she would say with an evil glare to her eyes.
I was blamed for her weight gain because "having children destroys your body and makes you ugly"
She failed to mention all the nights she spent ordering pizza and drinking rum with friends.
I was searching for the sort of relationship I thought I should have with the women who birthed me.
The interactions society and my peers had with their mothers.
I tried but we were always at odds with each other.
She has bad mouthed me to my boyfriend and tries to turn him against me.
It's obvious she likes him much more than she likes me.
He is the son she always wanted but never had.
She is the queen of backhanded compliments.
"You are lucky you are pretty. If you weren't no one would tolerate your rotten personality"
These words I have been told my entire life.
These words have built up how I look.
But tore down who I am as a person.
I work twice as hard as the average person to prove to myself that I am worthy of love.
Ironically that is what my name, Amanda, means "Worthy of love"
*This poem is featured in Peeling Sanity due for release in October 2018. Be sure to check out my other poetry collections on Amazon.
About the Creator
Amanda Zylstra
Cat Lover, Poetry Writer, Tea Drinker, Skincare and Beauty Product Obsessed. Check out my poetry collection "Passing Skeletons" available on Amazon.
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