Sea Salt Soaked Clothes

I never thought drowning could be so peaceful. I look up at the sky as the water surrounds me and I can’t help but to think, this is what I’ve been waiting for. My heartbeat is steady even though I know it should be racing; my thoughts have disappeared and all I can feel is the empty space that should be filled with fear but it’s not. Even as my sea salt-soaked clothes stick to my body and the gentle waves wash over me I cannot help but stay calm. I feel nothing when I know I should feel something. Is this wrong? No, it can’t be for I am not panicking, I am not afraid even as I sink from the weights attached to my feet. I release one last breath before I am pulled to the bottom of the sea. And as I slowly descend, I let the sea surround me, I don’t try to swim or fight I just let it take me and as I begin to fade away from this sad life of mine, I have a thought, do I really want to die? Then it clicks and something in me awakens, I am no longer calm but afraid. I am afraid of the ocean surrounding me. Suddenly I am plagued with fear of departing from this world, but it is too late for me, it is too late I have already started to end, to fall apart. But it’s not, the once quiet voice screams in my head, it’s not too late! So, I begin to kick and swim and pry the weights off me with the little strength I have left, and I swim up until I see the morning sun. But when I resurface, I am no longer calm, I am shaking with fear, my heartbeat is fast, my lungs expand with every sharp intake of oxygen, and I laugh. For I am free of feeling calm, I am living and afraid.