Sadness Was a Place I Call Home

Sadness was a place I call home

It was a place I knew very well

It all started one day at school

I was only five; it was a new school but the welcome band

didn't play their music, all I heard was some kids calling me names,

I didn't know what the word really meant,

but it stung like a bee.

The walls of the school started to be gray

and as the days passed, so did the walls of our home

I never told anyone how I was treated at school

but each time a kid called me gay,

was like a brick being added to the house that

would become home for many years

As the years went by,

whenever bad things happened, I took refuge inside my home

I felt safe here

the walls remained gray

but they were strong

It had become a big house

but I always found myself alone

It felt empty

but I slept deeply with my head rested on the walls

there were times in my life

when I would venture outside,

I see the sky is blue, the air is fresh,

and the sun shines

It happened when a man went off his way

to lure me to a road I seldom took

and when I had gone too far,

I didn't see my home,

I didn't feel any sadness

and yet I missed my home

I would always come back

In time, fate would bring me back to my home

as the color of my hair turned grey

in the company of my mother, who by this time

had gone sick and weak

my home was my refuge

when I could no longer see a future head on me

the days and nights are long

the air is cold

and yet it feels home

One day my mother is no longer here

she too had gone home

where someday we shall meet again

but for now, I hear her voice inside my home

she keeps me company at night

when my tears will never stop to flow

she holds my hand

just like the night before she died

One day I woke, all I hear is her voice

she tells me to open the windows and let the air come in

to look at the sky, where the bird flap their wings

she often comes in my dreams

and whispers in my ear

that it is safe to go out,

this is no longer your home

whatever I called it to be

it was sadness

it was emptiness

it was all in my mind

Every conversation I have now with Mom

a brick falls off, the tower

it feels smaller and smaller

the circle isn't as round as it used to be

maybe it is time to see what is in the outside

I opened the door

the wind smack right off my face

my Mom, in her voice, tells me

to step outside,

that she is waiting

I have to keep on walking if I want to be with her

never look back, she says.

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Illustration by: Lucija Rasonja from Pixabay