Rejection and Other Heart-breaks

why do i do this? i let other people determine my happiness but i can’t anymore. i can’t allow the voices in my head to control my heart when i don’t know what i want. i put others before me and my brain is all confused. i’m lost in the desert of my mind and struggling to find water. i purposefully ruin friendships and relationships while they are delicate so i don’t end up hurt in the end. i make myself hurt early on. i bring on the hurt before there’s anything to be upset about. i cut people off without scissors but end up getting paper cuts. i have hurt people because people hurt me. i hurt myself more than others have hurt me. i don’t physically hurt myself but i break my own heart time and time again. One person has caused my heart to crack but i do the rest of the job myself. i don’t let myself fall in love. i’m impatient. i want the future to show itself to me. i want so much in this world that is untrainable but i end up more and more hurt. my friends didn’t leave me, i left them because i heard this voice in my head playing out scenes that never would’ve happened if i hadn’t acted them out. i make people feel bad for me, so they stick around. i have hurt so many people in the process that my words might as well be knives. these words are hurting me to type and it hurts to correct what i don’t feel is right. but nothing will ever be right in my mind and it’s time i accept it and move on. everything in my head is eating me alive and i don’t know why i let it continue to go on.