Rambling about her...

She told me weeks ago

Benden ne beklediğinizi anlamıyorum.

which means

"I don't understand what

you expect from me."

I thought about it.

For weeks.

And then I answered.

Senin benim dostum olmanı

ve beni sevmeni bekliyorum.

Which means

"I expect you to be my friend

and love me."

No reply.

A week passes.

I write her again.

I tell her we've not

properly chatted since July

and

I expect, no, I want more.

I have been trained, almost,

to expect very little from her.

We don't video chat anymore

I've not heard her voice

since April.

I get 60 seconds of chat

maybe once a week.

When I pull away,

don't write,

I ache inside.

So I tell her I'm unhappy

and she says,

always discussing the same things

are boring.

But

these aren't just things

they are my feelings.

Shouldn't they matter?

So she writes me back finally.

She tells me how she rides the metro

two hours to work, standing.

And

two hours home, the same

to two kids who need her.

She says she has no time

with her new job.

I feel selfish.

I just want to chat.

I just want to know

about her day, her life,

the children.

But I bore her.

That was all I could hear,

all I could read.

I would die for her

and her children.

And I bore her.

I have flown there

two times

6000 miles to see them,

to stand on the same soil,

now

she won't even discuss another trip,

nothing is planned.

We don't talk.

I have bled ink for her

for two years,

sent birthday gifts,

traveled so far out

of my comfort zone

to be with them, with her.

How am I supposed to

just STOP

pulling away from her

would be like

stopping breathing.

I truly do not know

what to do anymore.

The last thing she said to me

was

Seninle konuşmamam sana

değer vermediğim anlamına gelmiyor.

which means

"Not talking to you doesn't mean

I don't value you."

She is worth my life

but

I bore her.