Pirate on the River Styx

For Dennis Double

(Thanks to Joe Riener)

A deal was made

At the gates of Heaven

A wee man tried to enter

And was told by Saint Peter:

“We have a problem

You have done nothing to condemn you to hell

But you’re too full of mischief for Heaven

(Could you please put down the bourbon? Thank you)

Limbo is for the unbaptized, which doesn’t include you

That leaves Purgatory, but you’d be like no one there

Do you see the problem?

The wee man sipped his bourbon

And rubbed his chin, and said:

“I’ve studied religion for a long time

All kinds of Religion, all kinds of History

And as I recall, you and your boss

Lived by the sea

Many of you were fishermen.

Could you get me a boat?”

And one appeared

A clipper ship

Or some say a schooner

Or a mighty 3-master loaded with cannon

Perhaps all of them

And the deal was made.

That day, in Hell

Where it always seems like day

Even at night

Because the fires burn so bright

As Charon crossed the river Styx

With his skiff full of souls

The pirate ship “Christine” appeared on the river

Sails full, cannon blazing

The wee man at the helm, laughing madly

One hand on the wheel, the other on a bottle of rum

“Give it up, Charon, you skinny son of a bitch!

Those souls are mine!!”

And the wee pirate took Charon’s passengers

(as well as the coins from Charon’s purse, which he skillfully reinvested)

And left for parts unknown

Some of the souls joined his crew

Such as first mate Montana Mike

While others he set free

To find new lives and adventures

Bur he continued to plague Charon and steal back souls

And does to this day.

(11/5/19)