Philautia

I used to laugh at girls

who loved themselves

I used to mock the ones who' said

"I love my lips"

"I love my eye"

"I love my hips"

" I love my smile"

I would giggle and say "Why?"

I would wonder

what it was they saw

that no one else could see

Until I realized

the real problem

was with me

You see...

I wanted to be beautiful,

and some days I truly

thought I was

But most of the times

I just felt numb

I would hide under my covers

and refuse to face

life certain days

I would run from mirrors

and stuck to my shady ways

I depended on my friends

to tell me when

I was looking good

Or even relied on the boys

and sometimes they would

Compliment my lips, my eyes

My hips and my thighs

But I was always wondering why..

Why, why, why?

Why it didn't feel the way

I thought it would

Why I wasn't getting the responses

I thought I should

"Am I not enough?"

I wondered

"Isn't this what we're supposed to do?

Wait around until somebody,

anybody, loves you?"

I said I'm humble, when

I really suffered from excess pride

Because my concept of love,

it really cried

for.a new understanding,

the past notwithstanding,

that in order to really be fine

I had to take the time

to love what's me and mine

And not rely on

Pretty words and guys

who tell me "You bad ma!"

Well damn brah,

You don't even have to lie

I realize now that

those girls who I laughed at,

giggled behind my hand at,

knew something

I couldn't even understand that

The FIRST step to getting

the love you deserve

isn't by putting yourself on reserve

It's by actively loving yourself

And you don't need help

from anybody else

And putting your trust there

only enhances your fear

that love is an outside force

when in fact the real source

comes froms being someone

you're in love with

And not that narcissistic shit,

but that inner serenity

that everyone will see

That can only happen

when you start to tell yourself

"Well damn, I love me"

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