Past

Do you remember

when we both still had energy

I’d wake up early,

engage in love,

move with meaning and

seemingly flourish.

-

You would wake up later, check the weather through the window

settle down for cold cups of lemon tea

and something sweet to eat

and I’d make the pilgrimage from my flat to yours

through a bustling city centre

full of uniformed men asking questions,

selling memberships,

wanting something.

-

No time for them, for my mind was set

on you.

-

The glaring door buzzer would let me in at last

through the creaking gates and up the narrow stairs

and the water would leave the room

spilling beautifully through the open door

with you on the other side

waiting.

-

After a day without that water pressure

skull-crushing and cold

I’d re-submerge myself

and swim home alone

and fill my sleepless nights with Solitaire

and socio-political audiobooks

masking silence and my sighs

with large words and soft music

inoffensive, forgettable

and yet it is those nights

which linger in my brain

the most.

-

Long days spent holding you close,

fearing the future distance,

feeling you slowly shift away

feeling my heart magnetised out of my chest

chasing something unattainable

something asked for but unrequited,

the very same something that declares me sleepless

and expands those long nights

into great eternities,

bleeding out,

re-building the pressure

my lungs fit to burst with the water you rejected,

my broken phone never ringing, screen permanently black

always

waiting.

-

A slightly more diminished me

begins the day again,

a hamster

on its wheel

happy spinning away.