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Pain 4 letters is all it takes

Incurably untreatable unliveable life with Chronic pain

By #iwriteitallPublished 3 months ago Updated 3 months ago 19 min read
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Incurably untreatable unliveable life with Chronic pain

The Power of a Panic Attack

The powerful palpitations pounding in my chest,

Will my heart withstand this test?

Another attack has just begun,

Abracadabra out it sprung.

Piercing pain constricting my chest,

My ribs collapsing, the attack conquering its quest,

Each breath harder, sharper, shallower than the next,

My fingers hastily clawing at my chests raw flesh.

Panic awakens my pale plain face,

Every gasp leaves a lingering lifeless taste,

Time is of the essence, prayers won’t save me now,

The devil’s claws run deep and are dragging me down.

Awaiting me, a fiery hell of tortured terror,

My lungs burn is my soul to be condemned forever,

Just one deep breath to save my soul hear me saviour,

I beg of you I am not ready to meet my maker.

Finally, the attack releases my air way,

The fatal fear and fantasies begin to fade away,

I have survived another panic attack today.

It's back my chronic companion Returns

Not sure how fond I am of this write very different style to my usual genre. #Experimenting

Well look who’s back again

My old compardre

My closest companion chronic pain

What a lovely way to see in the new year

And spend New Year’s Day

Alone rolling around the bed

Unfortunately, in agony

How romantic I bet it said

Maybe it is all in my head

My imagination running wild

Shame it's come up with something I dread

Why can't it just leave me alone

Is it intent on constantly reappearing?

Till it's isolated me from everything

and everyone one I've known

Maybe I don't want to be alone

Maybe I don't want to be stuck in my head

Listening to all the negative things it's said

I just want to be free,

free of the pain and misery

It teased me for a time

I thought it had said it's goodbyes

But like a predator

It just allowed me enough time to recover

So, It wouldn't all be ended and my casket buried

Before it pounced like a panther

And it sunk its teeth in

right next to my jugular

It’s not finished with me yet

like it would grant me a quick painless death

Why won't it just leave me be

or do the kind thing and put me out of my misery

Surely, I've done my time served my servitude

Paid my pennants for whatever crime

Will it not be satisfied till it spills my blood

Or has me hung drawn and quartered

In one last final act of vengeance

To inflict the ultimate pain on my broken body

Must I scream like William Wallace for freedom

Will it then relent and show me mercy?

I think not, I think it thrives on my cries

Like a psychopath It smiles at my demise

I bet it loves to just sit and watch

Yes, it's back again

But this time I don't think it sees the need for a reprieve,

this time it's never leaving it's not stopping

Because it has no plans on ever getting going or being gone.

Obviously, I've got a lifers debt left owing,

it would no doubt say sing.

That

We used to be so close what happened to that

I thought we were even making progress

Started talking about emotions to imagine that

I tried so hard to be something I'm not

I wanted you to be happy you must know that

But it didn't work you still seemed disappointment

What more could I do I couldn't change that

I just can't measure up and I don't think I ever will

So much time was stolen from me you knew that

I'm having to start all over again from scratch

Who what and where and then where to go from that,

All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me

And that

You accepted me for who I was warts and all

Unfortunately, I don't feel you feel like that

I've felt undervalued unappreciated and unnoticed

For a very very long time and that's a fact that

I can’t speak to you, you don't seem to hear my words

I don't know if choose to do that

Or if you simply don't understand what I'm telling you,

But I cannot continue to live disconnected like that

Surely, you’re the one person that should know me

Yet were unable to communicate and I hate that,

I hate that we don't talk now

I hate that we don't laugh now

I hate that we don't gossip now

I hate that we don't joke now

I hate that we don't go out now

I hate that we don't talk now

The phone is silent no other calls or text really Matter,

I race to the phone but your names not there I no that

This bitter battle of stubbornness is so cold it hurts

Do you feel that? I wonder Can you feel it to, that?

Expression of a wish or even a regret

You know that that is known, or understood that

That referring to a specific thing or heard by the speaker

Or that that used to identify something that,

That you know that that, that feeling that that.

Do you feel that that feeling to I wonder if you do?

That we shouldn't be like this that

things were said that shouldn't have been that

Venomous words hurt when spat that

We should have talked communicated that

This silence is outrageous and resolves nothing that

Change can happen and we should change this that is what that I mean that past tense that should be replaced with a present tense that.

The wonders of our world

The wonders of the world,

The clouds barrel into the pools of blue, crashing into golden sunlight streaks piercing through the sky,

A canvas of colour full of shades you cannot clarify,

As it floats by just above the likes of you and I,

Perched on a grand oak tree the birds soulfully sing,

Chirping a conversation, to us it’s a tweeting tune and the flapping of a wing,

The squirrels soon notice me,

As they scurry away up the Acorn tree, Watching and waiting from a bountiful beautiful branch,

Until it's safe to come thundering down the tree trunk,

To continue filling up their cheeks and arms,

The bunnies bashful and shy bolt for the bushes in the blink of an eye,

Unlike the bold butterflies that flutter brazenly through the skies,

Despite being delicate delights, full of vivid colours brightening up the sky, just like fireflies burning bright in the nights eye,

The Lakes shimmer glistening in the rays of sunlight,

With a solid stillness that's glass like, until a single ripples ride causes the surface and dark depths to collide,

We will never behold the secrets the dark depths haven't told,

Up above the geese are gathering getting ready for a good gaggling or perhaps they're giggling,

One things for sure they are certainly chittering and chattering

The swans slide in silence paired with pure panache,

They are the Royalty of the water praised, poised and posh,

Ruling with regality and gracility and conduct,

Often looking down their elegant, elongated necks,

At the peasant quarrelsome quacking ducks,

With utter distaste and disgust,

Flashes of yellow from Spring daffs sway away,

Dancing in the Whispers of the winds, a beautiful array

Petals from the Violets and bluebells amongst the lavender fields enhance what the emblazon earth's birthed,

The bees buzz in between the Floral display,

The nectar is their nicotine a bouquet buffet,

What wonders our world has to behold from for us to nurture,

The Creator blessed us not only with nature,

But every Acre each creature from the Grand Canyon a magnificent crater, to the Icelandic’s glistening glacier, everything is a fantastic feature,

We are blessed, to walk amongst the wonders of this world.

My negativity my biggest enemy

My negativity, my biggest enemy.

I'm a complete waste of space,

A confirmed certified disgrace,

I’m not good enough for existence,

I'm a failure and don’t deserve subsistence,

It's like a commentary the constantly repeats,

Negative thoughts that never misses a beat,

A broken record whirling within my messed up mind,

Words thought so malicious and maligned,

I'm nothing but a failure who's going nowhere,

I'm a waste of breath oxygen and God's gracious air,

These thoughts and feelings are impossible to bear,

Misery breeds contempt within my mind,

Meaning happiness is not easy to locate or find,

My mind's filled with nothing but intangible toxic venom,

I predict my mind will soon face is very own Armageddon,

Arguing with my angel and devil on my shoulder,

Its apparent my mind is losing its composure,

My broken mothership is under mutiny

I've lost control and on route to lunacy,

I'm a disappointment to everyone around me,

There in despair fuelled by a distaste towards me,

I've changed I've lost that zest that made me quirky

Because of these negative thoughts that haunt me,

My mind is my enemy, and one that I battle daily,

And although I fight like a sordid knight against it bravely,

It's army constantly destroys me,

Not even God's grace can save me against my own negativity,

Only I can destroy this enemy with the power of positivity

Today was supposed to be a good day

Today was going to be a good day,

Blue skies and I could feel the sun's ray,

For a split-second life seemed just perfect,

And for a while living seemed worth it,

But the whispers were still whispering,

They're not stupid they know I was still listening,

Slowly the Demons drag my attention back to their Heckles,

Returning the dark fog to my head soon the light becomes mere speckles,

Today started off to be a good day,

Blue skies and I could feel the sun's ray,

But then my body woke, and the pain struck like a stroke,

And the pull of my addiction awoke,

The blue skies suddenly became bleak and grey,

The suns warmth faded, and I could no longer feel a single ray,

loneliness surrounded me as it began to consume me,

Allowing entry for all the negativity to begin mentally torturing me,

Today was supposed to be a good day,

Blue skies and I could feel the sun's ray,

Maybe good days are just an idyllic illusion I can't find,

Memories I've kept locked in my mind,

But they no longer exist, and I just need to come to terms with this,

Now I live this nightmare I'm trapped in the darkness of the Abyss,

Just me and my voice in my head a sorry state to be left,

The demons tormenting and torturing me to an early delightful death,

Today wasn't a good day because there's no good days left,

The skies have died, and the sunrises are dead.

Can't Cope No More

Can't take no more

I just can't cope anymore,

The pain is debilitating,

The addiction consuming,

Both exhausting.

The dark corners of my mind are closing in, there all I can see clearly,

The demonic whispers fill my ears loudly,

I feel the reaper staring at me, his watchful glare burning,

I wonder what he foresees,

He watches waiting for me from his lair,

He desires my delicious death,

He thinks I'm unaware,

Part of Me wishes to Grant his wilful wants,

Maybe freedom lies in giving him the correct response,

No one could care less they don't understand it's relentless,

Another flare up here we go again,

As I lay lame, they have the audacity to complain,

Need more morphine why can't she just abstain,

They spit with such destruction and distain,

And they wonder why my mind is so full of Darkness rain and thunder,

Dying doesn't scare me anymore,

But being alive without living, I can't do it I desire more,

It's something I cannot continue to go on and ignore,

This fear terrifies me so much more than knocking on death's door,

Death seems a sweet sound of serenity a sound I pray for,

Just to feel free from this pain that I cannot continue to endure,

Pretend pity and false worry anger and aggravate me,

The insincere statements hide their sly sinister lies they decree,

They whisper behind my back without knowledge or understanding,

Explanations seem to land on deaf ears confounding,

Am I a damned being left to simply exist on this plane in pain,

How am I to fight for my life without a cure to gain,

Please I beg I pray save me from being the Walking Dead,

Help me raise from this pit this coffin I'm left two lie in rotting away in my betraying bed.

Until she finds the strength to speak again

A drag of another cigarette the nicotine courses through my veins,

It's not dope but it'll have to do, it's true the effects are not the same,

It distinctively lacks the same power same danger the elation of the adrenaline and euphoria,

Instead, I'm left to exhale smoke filled self-pity,

Envy causing my mute mind internal screens of mental hysteria,

I think it's safe to say I'm broken also they all say,

How do they know if the morphine helps me see clearly or block my capability?

I'm left to be judged by a broken society,

I'm not a murderer a sexual predator a Satan preacher,

Yet do they still classify me as a similar creature,

Socially unaccepted in propriety,

Really!

Because I think and feel differently,

Because I'm over emotive with excessive empathy,

For everybody regardless of their demographic on this planet of insanity,

According to well-educated people around me,

I'm not in touch with reality,

Could it be because I occasionally put my cigarette out in my wine glass, instead of the ashtray?

More likely, because I feel pain so deeply, because words bruise me easily.

Every mark scarring my soul every remark emotionally damaging me,

Another pill another drink to normalise me,

An alcoholic you think, or maybe just a girl with a messed-up mind

Who's simply given up on life this time,

She's been battered and bruised, continuously abused,

Preyed upon by monstrous men each bruise a fingerprint imprinted on my mind

Until nothing but pain is fused,

Hidden behind personas of heroes, in my Romeo and Juliet fantasies

Sweeping in to save this damsel in distress from her own warped insanities

It doesn't take long before his face contorts into Satan son, The beautiful love story ends before it's barely begun, another motivational quote, you must find the will to live on, but what if I decided I'm done

We preach about the freedom of speech that our father's fathers fought for and won,

Yet I feel more silenced than I have ever done,

Scared to speak because no one wants to listen to the crazy woman,

So, I don't speak I scream in hope someone hears my cries, Do your ears not bleed from my pleas,

Are you all so blind to my suicidal tries?

The urges to end my life,

Surely that would mean success for both sets,

The crazy woman who you detest would be silenced in her delicious death,

Until she finds the strength to rise up and speak again,

Maybe you're finally listen then

In the time being I'll take another toxic drag on this fag and think about it all over again.

Light up your life

Glimpses of light are what keep me fighting through the pain of the dark,

Those capsules of time that warm my heart,

Where the light conkers the night driving out the dark,

This stops me from falling apart.

Like shimmers of hope, the glistening stars are balls of light that fight against the night,

Freckles puncturing the abyss despite the blanket of the darkest eclipse,

The light of the stars push through their glitz cannot be dismissed.

Day and night are like representations of light in life,

Despite how much darkness my plague your life,

Just like the darkness of night the moon's bright the starshine the sun will eventually rise,

Dispersing the darkness of the night, just like the darkness that plagues your life,

The sun will rise with the brightest light.

Light will always shine through even on the darkest night you'll see a star or two,

No matter the pain or suffering you're experiencing look for those glimmers of hope, that's the light shimmering,

Those small speckles save me daily,

That's what pulls me through, look for those lights in your life and it will truly save you too.

You don’t fear a friend

I'm not afraid to die,

If death stared me in the eye,

I'd simply smile I won't cry,

I'll whisper hello again,

My dear friend, may I ask, how I've come to die.

To lie down in front of all your power and glory,

I feel your icy breath touch my soul and body,

The emptiness is eerie as I take your hand,

Shivering through each and every gland,

It ripples through my still soft warm skin,

Has my short life already lived, has it been?

My dear friend is that why you are here?

Is this why you draw me closer my dear?

I suppose it's time to follow you death,

And walk through the shadow of death,

Will the suffering be in vain will the pain end?

Friend do you hear my sins am I condemned

This sickly silence is killing me all over again,

Whisper in my ear or let your sweet voice sing,

Death, end this bitter silence and say something,

Is my mortal mind unclean, or appear unclear?

Listen to my voice, follow it there is no despair to hear,

Come close my dear death You'll find no fear here,

I'll stand toe to toe to look you straight in the eye,

If you snatch my last breath, I’ll lay down to die on the cold hard ground to complete the cycle and my body will ramify,

Now take my souls holy hand as you promised, now our friendship will surely flourish,

As we walk through the shadow of death hand in hand finally,

May god forgive my sins, may those who love me remember me kindly,

And let them not worry for I'm with a dear friend over here,

This separation is only temporary a simple farewell just for now,

Don’t try to follow me you'll get turned right back around,

As its not time for you to meet death and become his best friend,

Deaths to busy right now he has a new friend to whom he must attend.

Life with agoraphobia

So, agoraphobia,

A most ridiculous phobia,

Illogical impractical and so unreasonable,

The symptoms completely inconceivable,

A fear so irrational like a fear of one’s shadow,

Although scopophobia is the fear of one’s shadow,

Both more ridiculous than the other what a phobia,

Plagued by a confinement of my mind agoraphobia

Agoraphobia a fear of leaving my home alone,

I seemed to have lost my mind and backbone,

The very thought of one step outside my front door,

To even consider confuses me to my core,

The fear is so hardcore it’s impossible to ignore,

Sweating, perspiring, hyperventilating at the open door, there’s a world outside I'm dying to There’s a world out there I want to see and explore,

For God’s sake I can’t even pop round next door,

I have lost the vigour of my mind,

I'm a prisoner held by an intangible fear I'm confined,

My four walls a cosy comforter my pacifier,

A shelter from the danger being in the line of fire,

The verbal gun fire, the glares that seem to transpire,

Amplified whispers with direct pointed gestures

The outdoors a magnified paranoid panoramic picture,

Inclusive of the anxiety of potential social failure,

All to consider if I make it outside the safety of my bunker,

This is just another day in my world of agrophobia.

Plagued with pain

People don't understand,

Nobody can seem to comprehend,

The pain I'm plagued with and must with stand,

Only those who've had such experiences first hand understand,

Your completely clueless clearly,

Otherwise your speech would be sincere sincerely,

Your frustrations and frantic feedback lacks feelings, to be frank,

Wrinkled brows surrounded by an air of disbelief and your eyes blank,

I'm in such pain such anguish such agony,

The pain increasing constantly more and more rapidly,

You dont understand how could you comprehend,

A pain worthy of suicidal pleas,

To beg for a remedy whatever the cost maybe,

A sale to satan condemning my soul for eternity,

The payment a sacrifice I'd pay any currency,

I'd dance with the dead the devils most thoroughbred,

I'd dive the deepest seas to seek my pearl in the oyster beds,

I'd twist and twirl with tornadoes,

I'd pray to the powerful Egyptian pharaohs,

If they could cure me and be my heroes,

I'm in such pain such anguish so much agony,

I'd do anything to be free cross the globe travel the galaxy,

Screaming Abdabs is what we've named it,

The definition extreme screaming sounds a perfect fit,

I lie crying and screaming to the pain I have to submit,

No medicine relieves the pain

Is this life of suffering really humane,

I pray for a miracle from the main man,

That he will end my misery or my lifespan,

The suffering is to much for me and it would be for you,

Narcotics are great when you first start out it’s true,

But they soon the relief will leave you strung out,

Addiction sets in and you can no longer function without,

Its no longer working for me as pain relief should be,

A cruel circle which never ends a record repeating constantly,

You want to delete the track and play a new soundtrack

Hahaha good luck with that,

As it just repeats and your heading straight back,

I'm in pain I'm in anguish repetitive agony,

I'm fighting a war against my own body,

I have finally surrender And i have lost honorably.

addictionanxietycopingdepressiondisordermedicinepanic attacksptsdstigmatraumatreatmentsheartbreaksad poetry
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