Okay? Okay.

My chest feels heavy. My breaths are shallow. It is hard to breathe.

They say my blood pressure is in regulation. They say my pulse rate is too high.

That I cannot donate plasma today. Meaning I cannot sell my body today. Meaning I cannot make money today.

To pay for the co-pays. That I need. I need confirmed diagnoses.

Those will take time

Those will take money

Those will take patience

Those will take dissociations.

All I have is time

My money is limited

I am running out of patience

The dissociations are taking a toll.

Neil Hilborn was right,

A currency that only buys more currency...

I will try to make today my last day smoking cigarettes. Currently I only smoke when I feel powerless.

Time becomes endless

Spending money on tests and treatments

I am always the patient

Coping with dissociation.

It is frustrating to know that I will be okay. I must be okay. I know it is okay to not be okay. That is what they say.

And today I am not okay.

Then they ask why I am not okay. As if it is not okay to be not okay. After they had just said what they had to say. As if I could ever be okay while I must pay

My time

My money

My patience

To dissociate away.

While the government decides if I am really Disabled...

As if I have been lying since I was ten years old.

As if it were my choice to be bullied for being “different”. For being the "sick kid". To give up my favorite sport. My dream school. My dream career.

As if I didn’t want to participate in life.

If that were true I would have tried harder to kill myself. I would have kept my mouth shut after taking those pills. My therapist tells me I keep asking for help because deep down I do want to be here and

I do

Want to be here.

I do not know what else I need

To do

To prove that I want to keep trying

To live.

Trying

To be okay.

Be okay with not being okay.

Be okay with you not being okay that I may or may not be okay.

My chest feels heavy. It always does when my pain is flaring. My chest starts to feel heavy when my pain hits a seven on a "muggle’s" pain scale of zero through ten. Zero being no pain. Ten being the worst pain you have ever felt

I used to say it was always a ten. Then they didn’t believe me because I wasn’t actively screaming.

I have bite marks on my hands from when I needed to stop myself from screaming out in pain

When the pain does get to be a ten , it is never socially acceptable to just start screaming.

If I started to scream in public they would probably take me to the hospital. My parents say I cannot go to the hospital when my pain is flaring

They will just think I am a Drug Seeker.

I do not know who the government looks down on more, Drug seekers or Disabled people.

My chest feels heavy now. I am going to smoke a cigarette. My hands are scarred and sore.

And I cannot scream with smoke in my lungs.