Nothing

I was young, jovial, and in-the-thick-of-it-thriving,

Preparing for a big, bustling world,

I was naieve

Full of vigor,

Excited,

Unprepared,

Risk-taking,

Inhibitions omitted,

And that monstrosity,

That most dangerous and corrosive interpretive quality that describes the goodness of life via the human lifeline's linear trajectory, the virulent and viral life virus:

Hopefulness.

I glowed and beamed and shone with such a fullness of life that I didn't notice you growing up alongside me, experiencing my experiences, taking strides along my strides, my traumas were your traumas, if I'd known I would've shielded you from it, but that act would've still been one of selfishness because it would've been to convince you not to seek revenge on me,

But regardless, forgive me for my errs against you,

My fetal shadow

I have a memory that I remember thinking that I read somewhere, once, that most people will experience some form of anxiety and depression at some point in their lives,

I remember thinking:

'Poor souls, those that have to experience it two times',

Fucking ha

Seriously fucking hahahahahahahahahakskskancjdiskamf

You looked at me and said,

'You and I are best friends and we're going to rule the world together, but we'll be the rulers of nothing. We'll be nothing together. Honestly it's kind of complicated and hasn't developed fully yet but basically tldr we hate each other?'

Im 26 now,

I've been numbing something for a while now,

Haven't noticed for a while now,

Got broken up with a while ago now

Been suppressing for fucking ever now,

I think I get who you are now,

I think I know how you came to be then and now,

You looked at me and said,

'Yeah man I've been telling you for a while now, No one's ever loved you, The closest thing to love they'll ever feel for you is an annoyed tolerance, people have only ever just... tolerated you. You are flawed moreso than the typical human. You are logically and physically and chemically incapable of being loved, something has corroded you at the genetic level, the cellular level, even at the quantum level your parallel realities choose the same branch, the branch of failure, add a mix of social factors mixed with pheromones and probably even some pre determinism, let's just throw fate into it fuck it, and voila it made you a being on this plane that can't experience being loved by another. You've heard people say that you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself right? That's also probably why! Oh my poor Reversalite. That's a cute name huh? You call me shadow and I call your type a Reversalite. It makes Shadow the primary and you the secondary. But again, it's probably why because you've only ever fucking hated yourself! You were taught that. Behaviorally shaped, chemically forged, genetically altered , and socially skewed to be a recursive loop of self-loathing shit.

BUT I CAME AFTER!

YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Im just a symptom my poor fleshy, photon absorber. You're the first complex, homo sapien decomposer! You're a walking mistake, an anomaly, and your biological purpose to reproduce is null and void because even something as disgusting as you wouldn't think to pass this shit on so yes, Sims, the only solution to this predicament is to remedy the situation via suicide. It's the right thing to do! Unburden your loved ones! And, I mean, how hard it must be to maintain a delusion of worthlessness that's so powerful to your emotional mind you believe it with zealous vigor, while simultaneously knowing rationally that it's a false belief, that it's not true. And Jesus! I mean look at you writing all this stuff about yourself down! You've been shaping these thoughts since you were five years old man?

And on and on and on... The monologue (dialogue?) gets more complex.

I am older now,

I never learned what moderation was,

You taught me to indulge,

Hey don't blame me you're still doing that fuck dude like why are you so dumb at least try to act like you heard me,

Because indulgence makes tolerance feel like love,

But who needed it?

I mean I know,

"Don't drink and drive"

"Don't do drugs"

"Don't have unprotected sex"

Fuck that, I'll do what I want,

I have meaning, I'll drink to that,

I have my friends, who's got keys?

They're as much family as I'll ever need,

They'll never leave me, and I'll never leave them.

No matter what

Just like you'll never leave me it seems,

I only just noticed you—

How long have you been there?

I don't want to think about this. We are one, it's always just been me telling me, and I can't live without me.

Our mind comes with the dissonance and our duality and the psychosomatic damage through a psychotic lens now,

Reality as it is for everyone else is now warped,

A coping with the psychological damage of the psyche's meta assault on itself,

Welcome to the Sims-Houston Brain Dance Extravaganza! Explorations in A Skewed Malformity of Time and the Physical Atrophy of Form,

My nerves, my literal basis of feeling, inflamed and in a forever state of shocking and stabbing of funny bone peripheral neuralgia,

My physical pain is an emergent property of the depressive weight of loathsome self reflection,

A self perception dysmorphia.

Oh hey man,

Hey,

I hate you,

I know, I hate me too,

You hate me too right?

You hate you,

I know but you hate me,

I hate me too,

like how I hate you?

No, like more I hate I you am me you and I hate me I hate you I hate you and I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate me. I hate me I hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate im nothing I need to die I hate myself I should kill myself kill me I am nothing nothing nothing hate me nothing I am nothing someone please kill me have mercy please oh God fuck let me die please I hate myself so much I can't im so alone so alone profoundly alone by myself in hate no one cares I dont care just let me go im nothing I'm shit shit shit shit step over on me kill me under your foot I worship you kill me im nothing I hate me please let me go I am ready to die just let me die die die I'm...

Nothing.