no one you know is a good person

are you friend or foe?

the truth is

you

and all

are both

loyal and liar

good and evil

an enigma

and an impossibility

ego is like a lung

inflating

before it shrinks and shrivels

I cannot see you half the time

behind your bravado

a shield

made of iron and steel

hubris and pain

and I find it hard to know you

and even harder

to want to

false hopes

we’ve had them before

when the light of the sun was brighter

on our faces

when the school bell still rang out

things were easier then

in a way

before we knew we’d be walking on eggshells

cracking and breaking our dreams

with every step

we’d take

rocky roads

we’ve crossed them before

deceit and fake laughter

walls built up and around us

protecting us from each other

when did we become so broken?

how naturally it comes

to hide ourselves away

your desperation guts me like a knife

and my newfound awareness

pushes me

onto the blade

I think back to a different me

a younger me

a self that would have scraped uselessly

at the brick of you

a self that was convinced

I needed soldier friends

to fight alongside

maybe the part of me I hate

still wants soldier friends

friends willing to die on the battlefield

for my comfort

while I sit upon my throne

eating grapes and drinking wine

fat and happy

and eternally unwilling

to do the same

for I am older now

and I am wary of such friendships

and I am tired of the chase

for a truth

I do not want to hear

I have nothing to prove

to anyone

but myself

yet I still ache with the not knowing

if the blade of your agony

came down on me

on purpose

if my body came before my mind

to you

my body

should have nothing to do with you

my mind

is what should matter

my mind

is a gift

revel before it

see it

hear it

know it

listen

but I know a truth

of my own

that there is a lack

a poison

an inability

in man

to respect the body

and the mind

of woman

I relinquish the shame of unknowingness

despite my repulsion

for my own naïveté

I thought I left it behind

long before I did

perhaps I still trust too much

even though I don’t look strangers

in the face

on the street

even though I am all but alone

in this world

perhaps

it is still

not enough