*Still going down...*
Best part
Because you were the best part of me...
I'm choking on my words, on my emotions, and my tears...
Meanwhile you're okay, playing your games without a care in the world
Not realizing that I'm breaking down
Not realizing that you were one of the three that were able to push me to my breaking point
Yes.. number one did what he did.. but that's my story to tell.. yes he didn't love me and yes he did use me...but that's why he's on the list..
Yes number two never cared...he played me like a fiddle and never tried enough for my tastes...and he kept lying and avoiding me and deleted me...
But you...I needed you and relied on you.. you were always there when push came to shove, but then you told me to make up my mind...not internalizing each and every word I wrote...but instead took it at face value...not realizing that I chose you...so I cried and cried some more as you walked out the door, ignoring my cries for help...the one thing I never do is ask for help...yet I begged for yours...pretty stupid of me, huh?...
So I'll take my tears and my emotions
I'll take my thoughts and my writings
And I'll just throw them all away...because in the end...they didn't matter
In the end it was just me by myself...
So in the end...
This is me
This is the cold hearted bitch that I've been suppressing, the one everyone's going to know
This is going to be me, being by myself
Not in group settings
This is me, saying "fuck you" to the world
Because this world abused her kindness and took it for weakness
So I'm done sharing
I'm done writing
I'm done talking about myself
I'm done asking questions
I'm done getting to know people and letting people know me
I'm done
Don't come to me looking for advice
Don't come to me asking what happened
Or asking why I've changed
Because in the end all I'll say is
The person you've all come to know is dead, she was murdered.
So now, this is me.
Whether or not she's accepted
Doesn't matter
It doesn't matter
Or else you'd be pounding on my door demanding to be let in
Demanding I tell you or else...
But you're not
So it doesn't matter
Now does it?
Sick Day...
Laying in bed...
Sheets thrown over...
Light off...
Shades down...
Only thing that glistens is the light of her phone
The only things heard from her room is her music
Followed by the sniffles she tried to contain as tears rushed down her face...
Being unable to control them...
Only producing more and more...
Whenever she stopped, it was only for a brief moment because soon...
They'd start up again...
She controlled herself as people flooded her room
Fighting back the tears that so desperately wanted to come out
Fighting the thoughts that came flooding into her head...
Making sure she was able to produce the illusion that she's only sick...
Keeping the illusion that her heart isn't in a million pieces...
That her mind didn't wander towards you every chance she had...
But what does it matter?
She cried out to you because she wanted you there with her...
When her body was weak and frail...
When moving a muscle felt like she was being stabbed by pins and needles...
Yet you never came...
And even now she fights the tears trying to come out because she must be strong...
All she can do is write out her thoughts and feelings while crying into the corner of her pillow....
But what does it matter anyhow?
She reached for you and you weren't there
She reached and reached...
Then she fell apart...
Where are you?
And why aren't you here?
That was all that went through her head...
Because all she wanted was for you to hold onto her and never let her go...
All she wanted was to feel the warmth of your beating heart as her body turned frigidly against her
Yet all she could do was lay in bed, wrapped in blankets, trying to fight every thought and every action that would deem her as weak
Even now.. you're still so far
Refusing to come to her aid when she needs you the most...
When you're the only one who has truly understood her
Pain, Patience, and Love
I thought it was suppose to be "One taught me love, one taught me patience, and one taught me pain..."
But in the end you taught me patience, you taught me love. but you also taught me pain...just a bit...
Three in one I suppose..
I can't...
Just like I can't give up writing I can't give you up...
I should but I can't..
I need to mediate myself with you...
If I continue to get too close, god knows it's gonna keep getting worse and I'm going to get hurt..
Worse than I hurt you...
If I get too far...
I'll get over you too quick...
And hurt myself and act reckless...
If I mediate there's no telling...
But I'll probably get over you...
But at least it'll be slowly and nobody will get hurt... Right?
But what does it matter?
Mediation is all you seem to say to me when it comes to my writing
Maybe it's what you should be telling me when it comes to you
Because god knows I need to...
Never your fault
Yet...through everything she'll never blame you...
Because she wanted something with you...
Because she understood she required a lot of work...
She understood she wasn't perfect
She understood that she fucks up a lot
She knew that she was asking for a lot
She understood that at the end of the day you had to prioritize yourself and you weren't a mind reader
But she also knew that she wanted to be wrapped in your arms
She also knew that she wanted to be there when you had a bad day
She knew what she wanted to do
But she was never given the chance to vocalize it or act on it
About the Creator
Em
I'm doing my best.
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