Never Felt Before

Never Felt Before

April 18, 2009

Never have I heard,

Never have I seen,

This is so new

To me.

To feel this way,

Is different than

The ways I

Have felt before.

In the past there,

There has been,

Confusion, anger,

Sadness, anxiety.

This feels like those and more.

I can’t even pin it down.

Don’t eat much,

Exhausted without reason.

This takes my energy

Without my permission,

I don’t even know

What it is.

Things aren’t,

How they should be.

This just isn’t

What is right.

Every time there’s

Some good, it leaves.

Every time there’s a

Glimmer of hope, it flees.

Am I not meant to have,

Happiness, life, love?

How does this shout,

“God loves us all!”

I don’t know why,

He could watch this,

Is it entertaining,

Or is he knocked out?

I want to shout out,

I want to break down.

I will lose my mind

If one more person I know dies.

Death can come in many,

Ways: emotional and physical,

As well as spiritual and even

Complete mental homicide can occur.

This is what I seek to know.

The answer is all I want shown.

Let me know my life

Has meaning.

I can’t keep going like,

This, this way.

It’s all in ruins,

It’s in shambles.

Every time I build it back up,

An earthquake comes and

Collapses my life,

Or whatever I’ve tried to build.

How I feel right now,

Is different than how I’ve

Felt before, and I still can’t

Understand what it is.

This feeling is not joy,

This feeling is not sadness.

I truly can’t comprehend

What the hell this is.

It frustrates me,

And drives me down.

I want to be able,

To just fall apart.

I need a good thing to come and stay.

I’m sick of previews.

I want the real thing.

Not a cheap defective imitation.

Days go by without solace,

Weeks go by without change.

Why is it this way

When it shouldn’t be?

Never felt this before,

It’s new to me.

I don’t understand

Yet it’s somehow familiar.

I feel it deep,

No scrub can get it out.

No therapy or drug will heal it

Or fill in the hole.

It’s there and there’s

No way to fill it.

The removed is gone and

I’m wide open for the world to see.

Yet still no one understands me,

No one gets how I work.

Why are they so ignorant when

I’ve laid the best clues I could?

This rant isn’t enough,

I still feel it,

What I’ve wanted

Will never come.

I receive what I don’t

Want and wish for what

I can’t possibly have.

I can never be happy.

I guess it’s time

To just give in.

Let go and move on,

There’s nothing left here,

I have two options now.

I can either turn to some

God I cannot trust and

Will never understand

Or I can simply

End it all now.

I can easily take that step,

That final step.