My Truth

Maybe you know me personally

Maybe you’ve never seen me before

Or even know that I exist

Maybe you are wondering why the hell

Are you reading this shit

Well the best answer I can give

Is that I needed to share

The major things that I’ve lived

‘Cause I’ve been repressed all my life

By society, by my family, by myself

And it never did me good

I urge you to be patient

There might be something in it for you

Hearing someone else’s problems

Might help with the rough

That you’re going through

You see, nobody likes to be exposed

To admit their faults and the parts

They aren’t proud of

But I’ve come to realize

That doing so is important

If we ever hope to be better

To heal and to allow ourselves

To move on

Being honest

Is being strong

Sometimes just knowing

That someone else is hurting

Can bring the comfort of knowing

That it’s not just you

That it can’t possibly be

Just your fault

If someone else who comes from

A completely different context

Has faced the same assault

And I’m not talking about the ones

Where there’s a gun to your back

That end in tragedy

You’ve got the news for that

No, I refer to the skeletons in the closet

The things we are so afraid of

That we keep to ourselves

Even though it brings us hell

So this is my story

And it’s not a pretty one

But I’m not afraid anymore

To give a face to my truth

And to do it while I've still got youth

‘Cause 50 years from now

I wanna be fine, chill with the grandkids

Not be tortured inside

And it starts right now.

I’ve been holding back

For far too long

Things that still haunt me

No matter how strong

I pretend to be

My name’s Lena

I was born in '93

My demons have been

Nine years with me

I come from a strict raising

And my parents have always been

Too busy to really see

What went down with me

I’m the first-born of my household

With that comes the responsibility

Of taking care of my brothers

And representing the family

Maybe it doesn’t sound like much

But when my folks were fighting downstairs

Shouting blames at the top of their lungs

I was the one stroking my little bro’s hair

While he was crying and scared

Even though I too was unprepared

Being so young

But my parents’ divorce isn’t the issue at stake

The feeling of not being enough

No matter my good grades

The sports medals and school awards

Is what I wanna illustrate

Don’t get me wrong

I have a loving mom

And my dad always provided for us

But how can that be enough?

When too many times they forget

To pick you up

Or to say you made them proud?

Parents always hope their children

Can do better than they did,

Go farther, live longer,

Even be happier than they can.

It’s not their fault

They can’t help but dream for us

But it’s a lot of expectation to live up to

I grew up thinking that to earn love

You gotta be perfect, you can’t fuck up

I don’t know about you

Anyway, all this to say that

Reaching out wasn’t a possibility for me

And being needy at home

Made me needy in life

Which led me to a first boyfriend

Who didn’t do me right

Mom, I know you never liked him

But I was so insecure and he knew

How to play that card

And trapped me into thinking

That he was the best I could do

So when he pressured me to have sex

I did nothing but comply

After all, he’s an older guy

If I don’t provide, he’ll leave me

And I love him, right?

It was just too easy to lie to your face

And slip away to do things unspoken of in our household

I know that all the rules were your way to protect me

Mom, I’m not saying it’s your fault, never

But I felt alone and maybe an honest conversation

Would’ve been a better way to keep me safe at home

‘Cause sex education in school sucks

It’s all about pregnancy and diseases

And nothing about how transforming it can be

How completely vulnerable you are

Lying naked next to someone

Open for critique

How easy it is to humiliate

It’s a very thin line and a lot at stake

And if it isn’t done right

(I’m not talking about positions)

Something that could be beautiful and connecting

Can forever change your life

I was only fifteen, I had silly girly dreams

I didn’t know what consent really means

Does it have to be verbal?

Can we change our minds midway?

Does saying yes once make it always ok?

No one ever told me that rape isn’t only practiced

By crazy guys that lurk in dark alleys

They don’t all appear to be monsters

They might even have kind eyes

Is it rape if you gave signs of being uncomfortable

And scared while he’s holding you by your thighs

But you didn’t manage to say “stop” or “no”?

Is rape if you already had sex with the person before

But didn’t wanna do it that time

Or didn’t wanna do it anymore?

There are still places I can’t be touched

Because I’m traumatized

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes

Years have flown by, even when I’m with

The most caring and respectful guy

Sometimes I get scared and I can’t breathe

Because his shadow is still there

Even though there are some many

Good experiences he’s underneath

Is it rape if he is your boyfriend and won’t let go?

Yeah, I think so.

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The conceptual video from the top of this post is a condensed version of this poem (because the full version is quite long). This video is part of the We Have Voice YouTube Channel, a space created for the discussion of domestic and sexual violence prevention. It's worth checking out!