My Trip Down the Rabbit's Hole

... ... ... "I'm fucked up!"

"Oh really! How so?"

Because I know this

I don't deny this

I accept this

I live with this

As I am deceptively delicious

It's a long-brewed dysfunctional-ness

but a functional-ness

all the same

As I am falling

My senses piqued

If I sense someone near

I won't play hide-n-seek

I'll powder my nose

For my performance

Because I know how to act

In strict accordance

With what you'll want to see

Should someone try to breach my veil

I'll halt the production

Becoming shale

I'll slam it shut

I'll shut it down

All evidence will sink

And basically, drown

Too My dressing room

My Panic room I'll dash

I'll type the code

I'll seal off the doom I'll be quite rash

And, in will set

My mental gloom

My Behind the scene show is for me. Not for you. Never for you.

Sure you can know that it's there.

I'll admit to it, even lure you in with it, to achieve my desires with it, but you still cannot enter it because you'll try to fix it.

See... ... ...

East of my Eden is a bottle, on the ground, where no one is around. On it says "Drink Me Please." That right there is my panic button. In case you get to close to me, it's there for me like no one else will ever be. So that I can say "Now you think you see me, now you don't!" If you try to search for my bottle-button you'll never find it. Nope, no you won't.

F a

l l i

n g

D o w

n

Fa r

t h e

r

F a

st

e r

Wait!

Stop!

I'm so sorry!

I'll give you a short synopsis (though, it'sjustforshow).

No ill will and just so you know.

It's just that... ... ... well... ... ... some things a girl has to keep locked up tight. May it be out of fear and fright, or wicked delight; it's all due to mental instability that occurs in the dead of the night.

You see... ... ...

When I was little I saw things I wish I didn't see

They shaped me and haunted me

But... ... ... onlybecauseIwon'tletthemgo

That's my issue, I know

Because of these images that still exist in my mind

My heart remains solid, steely, and unkind

I'll give and give all I'm willing to give

It'll be endless love and affection

Attention, direction, hell even sometimes perfection

But I'll aim to never get it back

Because what comes back is adjusted and modified

Temporarily convenient

Conditionally sound

Always the possibility it'll leave

Or... ... ... worse... ... ... stick around

The grass is always greener on the other sides ground

I only choose indecisive kinds of love

I stick with what I know

I try to be the nightingale that saves

The addicted slave

To be the savor... ... ... Not the saved

Do not return the favor!

I am not weak... ... ... likeyou!

Reactions that become grounds

For defensive rounds

Turning into the gale that

Twists the theoretical knife

In your back

I attack

I attack as a diversion

while you say you're sorry

sorry for hurting me

I regain rank:

"No, no.. you never hurt me. (It'sallme... Ihurtmyself... Ideserveit, Ididthis, youcouldn'tresistthis) It's all good... It's all gravy baby... No tears, No worries, No harm, No fears. We're better than we were before. For this, you can be sure."

I am my own worst enemy you see

It's just me

wanting what I don't want to be

letting myself down

by setting myself up

DON'T TELL ME I'M LIKE ALL THE REST

I have to be better than the best

Not for them but for me cause I am better than you, I am uniquely me.

Now, where has my damn rabbit gone? I've been chasing and chasing for far too long. I am getting tired and I am shallow...

Whoops sorry... I mean selfish

Whoops sorry... I mean hollow

Whoops sorry... I mean childish

Whoops sorry... I mean entitled

Whoops sorry... I mean vengeful

Whoops sorry... I mean drunk

Did I just say what my sober self won't?