My Life is a Lie

I almost didn’t come tonight

Knowing you would be here

And I would not be able to

Stop myself from watching your every move

Every turn of your shoulders

Every twitch of your lips and

The sensuous promise of your smile

The curve of your back

The way you laugh

I knew I would have to harden

My heart and soul

Tying off my desire and need for you

With tourniquets of despairing hope

Whose only purpose is to stem the flow

Of my sanity pouring like blood from my heart

All the while pretending devotion to someone else

And playing the role of dutiful and faithful husband

Ensuring that she believes I love only her

I don’t want to hurt her

And I don’t want to see her cry

So, I harden my gaze

When I look at you with false contempt

And I cringe deep inside when the look of

Confusion and then revulsion crosses your face.

I tell myself I don’t care

But I’m only fooling myself.

You should be mine

I want you to be mine

You should be mine

My life is a lie

- Julie O'Hara 2023

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