The need for sleeping pills
Has never been greater.
The need for something sharp
Is so fucking strong
The wish for all the pain to stop
Has been said many times before
If only someone were able to take it all away
If it could all just stop
The voices in your head, the constant state of paranoia, the compulsive need to release it all with a knife
What would it be like then?
Would it be quite?
Peaceful?
Or would you miss it so much that you would need to have it all back?
The feeling of being useless
Is always there
The feeling that you are alone
Never goes away
That no one wants you around
That you are the asshole who can't do anything right
Like you're the biggest mistake on the face of the earth
Like the world would be better off without you in it
The wish for it to all stop without hurting yourself or someone else
Is your biggest one
The wish that people knew what was going on in your brain
Will never be granted
Someone please tell them to stop
Stop screaming in your head
Stop forcing you to think things you don't want to
Stop the burning pain in your arm
The pounding in your head
Just make it stop now please
Maybe if you could think for yourself
You wouldn't be like this
You can't help that the voices in your head control your life
You can't help wanting to die
Feeling scared out of your mind
Not being able to sleep till 6 in the morning
Afraid that if you do the demons will come get you
Not being able to eat
Because it makes you feel worse about yourself
Starving yourself till you can't take it anymore
Then you eat so much that you throw up
And you feel like shit so you take a razor and cut to make it stop
It does for a split second then it's back
So you keep going
Till the towel is soaked with blood
And you're laying on the floor in a ball crying
So you say to yourself
What the fuck did I just do
This is not who I am
So you move on with your life
Covering up the marks however you can
Making sure no one can see them
Making sure you don't end up in a hospital
And then the same cycle repeats
Till you can't take it anymore
Then you force yourself to get help
You try and seek out
But when no one listens
It keeps getting worse
So you make yourself call the suicide hotline
You lock yourself in your room till the police arrive
Then you go to the hospital
And recovery takes place
Soon enough you're let out
You feel like you can start again
Then the voices start coming back
The feelings are ever so stronger
You fake your way through everything
With a fake smile, a fake laugh
You stay away from your friends
You shut yourself in your room
Never coming out when people are present
Turning off all the lights and staring at your wall
Because you can't bring yourself to get out of bed
Can't bring yourself to eat
Can't bring yourself to get out of bed
You get yelled at for being lazy
You start to feel worse and worse
Your parents drag you outside to be social
You sit there and mope till you go home
You get yelled at for not being social
You fight with your parents
And when the fight ends
You lay there and cry
You shut off the lights, lock the door, and cry
You remember the nights you cut
The burning feeling starts to come back
The compulsive need
You replay the fight in your head over and over again
You say to yourself it's your fault.
That you can't do anything right
That you deserve to feel like this
The need gets stronger and stronger
But you force yourself to not do it
You see the blood stained towel across the room on the floor
You lay there and ponder at the thought
You decide it's better off you just sleep
You try everything you can
But nothing seems to work
The voices in your head are far too loud
The feelings are much too strong
You wait till the early hours of the morning
Sneak out to go buy sleep meds
To see if they'll help you
Come back and your mom heard you leave
She sits there waiting for you to tell her what you were doing
You try to explain but she doesn't want to believe it
She takes the bottle from you and locks it away
You run upstairs crying and lock yourself in your room
The feeling gets stronger yet again
You can’t control it
So you get the razor and you cut again and again
Repeating the same cycle as before
Cut, wipe, repeat. Cut, Wipe, Repeat
You hope that one day someone will understand
But no one will never understand
They may say they do
But they don’t
They tell you they’ve been there
And you want to believe it
But you can’t
So you move on with your life
Waiting for the day
When everything can stop
You drop a lot of weight
Your family thinks you are anorexic
You try to tell them what’s happening
But they don’t listen
Why should they?
It doesn’t concern their well being so why should they
You ask your parents to see a therapist
They say no at first, but after hours of begging and pleading they finally agree
Your therapy starts
You tell them what is happening
All the feelings, the cutting, the fear
They try and help you to figure out coping methods
And some of them sound interesting enough to try
So you try them
They seem to work at first but then they don’t
You tell the therapist that the methods don’t work anymore.
They decide it’s time to involve the parents
You beg them not to bring your parents into this
But they do it anyway
Your parents are shocked to find out what you have done to yourself
You tell them that you tried to tell them but they wouldn’t listen
They argue against that
You tell the therapist that you were the one to call the suicide hotline, that you were the one who tried reaching out to every person she could, that after 3 fucking miserable hours of begging, your parents finally agreed to let you see a therapist
They simply nod their head as they listen to what you say
Your parents, with a look of disgust on their face, sit there silently, waiting to speak up again
Your therapist talks before they do
Then the session has to end
You reschedule an appointment for sometime in the next week
You go home and get yelled yet again
That’s the fifth time this week
You go to your room and cry
Your mom comes in to yell at you for crying
To shut up for once
You go to bed early and wake up late
You sit in bed and wonder why it had to be you
Wonder how life would be if you didn’t have this
Wonder if it will all stop
Wonder
If or when you can be happy again
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