My family has cursed me

Everything I thought that was going to happen

did not happen.

All of my birthday wishes, wishing however hard I tried,

pouring every inch of my soul, every fiber of my being into the wishes,

all turned out to be nothing, worth nothing, become nothing.

That's when I decided to tread down a new path,

a path that no one would follow,

a path less traveled but perhaps has been traveled nonetheless.

I purposely turned away from my friends,

focusing on just my family

when I had enough strength, enough energy, enough willpower

to make sure they were okay

when I was clearly not.

@

I take with me ALL of your sins,

take them to the grave.

All those secrets, all those whispers,

all those double-life, triple-life, however-many-life truths,

I take them all with me to the grave.

I thought this would end it all,

I thought I was being brave,

but it turns out that I was just foolish.

@

Because nothing changed...

NOTHING CHANGED.

I am still here, YOU are still here,

the ones that truly loved me

and showed me unconditional love

are no longer here and so I curse you,

or perhaps you curse me,

I think about anything and everything

that we have ever gone through together

and I just can't help but feel sad,

lifeless, purposeless, useless.

@

I no longer feel any feeling

except by running blindingly fast at a steel wall,

hoping that my hard head will at least leave an imprint,

a small dent,

to show the world that I was here and that I existed.

But if there is no impression left behind,

I've thought long and hard about how this would be okay too.

I would just be living the lives of all my ancestors that came before me

and the ancestors of all who have roamed this earth and many

who roam this Earth still.

@

Why must I try to solve the problems of all others

when no one will do the same for me?

Why must I continue to believe in myself

to support the dreams of my loved ones,

to preserve what is, to preserve peace,

when the world just wants to burn.

@

It's because it at least gives me peace,

it gives me a purpose

for my own selfish needs

too staple my bleeding heart

back together.