Music to Kill Yourself to on a Bright Sunny Day

April 21st, 2019—Still Alive

Still here, I guess, still alive, I woke up today, went outside, stretched.

I took a deep breath in.

I broke down and cried.

I don't know why.

I went back inside, the world didn't need to see me cry.

I decided to write in my journal, a letter, to you, dear Doctor Morgan, my friend, my therapist, my enemy.

I love you.

I hate you.

You took away my pain, gave me new ones, things to beat myself up about, to realize that life is such a stranger place sober.

Where was I, in my last letter to you?

Was I drinking again?

Was I taking my medication in a timely manner?

Did I attempt to kill myself one more time?

I may have just been sitting here, since that last letter, watching the world go by.

Who knows.

Who cares.

Am I right?

Did I tell you about my childhood?

I can't remember.

Let us continue.

The Poem from Volume Insanity—Level Two: Drowning the Demons

Pretty pictures,

Painted in blood,

Deep inside my mind,

A memory,

Deep dark reds.

I am drinking again,

The same old spots,

The underpass,

The dying inside,

Losing all of my friends,

To just time,

To just suicide,

To just life,

The world is exploding outside,

I dream of angels,

But live with demons,

Dying tonight,

Life is harder,

The stress is,

Killing me,

Inside.

Addiction,

A subtle pain,

To relieve,

To hide it,

Deep inside,

Worn out,

Lie down,

On this side,

To sleep,

To perchance,

To not awake,

Again, the pains,

Hidden,

Deep inside,

Dying,

Losing all of my prayers,

To that demon,

To try to hide,

Inside my mind,

Replied,

To that memory,

To try and rip it from my mind.

To hear the world,

To see the voices crawling through the mire,

To taste,

The bile,

Building from the bottom,

Of me,

To realize,

It’s all a lie.

Good night,

Good night,

Goodbye,

Oh, sweet misery,

To dream,

To sleep,

To awake,

Alive?

It could all be a dream,

It could all be a lie,

Good night,

Sweet dreams,

Good night...