More Than a Hunter

I am more than just a hunter, I am more than just a hunter, I am more than just a hunter, I am more—so much more. In the beginning, the hunt was to search for a better outlook, a better peace of mind, a belief that I was better than I felt I was. But, as is the way of these things, the hunt became so much more—it became everything, overwhelming every single part of my mortal coil. A coil stretched beyond reason with all the shit in my head, all that background and foreground distortion that caused alarm and daily intrusive thoughts of the third kind. And so the hunt shifted, as is the way with these things; it became about finding peace, finding reason, finding contentment.

As I fought against the internal daemons and deities of the afterbirth—the remains of my psyche, the remains of my sanity and sanctimony—I sought refuge in a cave for reflection. I am more than just a hunter, I am more than just a hunter, I am more—so much more. But reflection led to painful realisation and revelation: I was hunting not for anything I could hope to grab and hold, but for something intangible, something inconsequentially unrealistic. I was hunting for the one thing I could never find through breath alone—the answers to the why and the who, the what and the when. Aside from January 28th, the day I came forth, I still wonder, for what other reason than to exist, to connect with a higher power, to find love and companionship in fellow travellers?

To that hunt I stayed true. Yet fighting the daemons proved too much at times, and my hunt became the fight to stay upright, to keep kicking—not just living. I am more than just a hunter, I am more—so much more, than a hunter—so much more. By the time my part in this play is done, will I ever reach the end of my hunt? Will I ever hold up the trophied carcass high, or stand for a photo opportunity for posterity and pomp and circumstance? Or simple proof that I ever found what I really sought. I am more than just a hunter, I am more than just a hunter, I am more than just a hunter, I am more, so much more.

I am more than just a hunt, this is more than just a hunt,

and it made me

~

me

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