Monster, Coward

The darkest clouds I've ever seen

Such troubling dreams

Always, the dichotomy; the self and the desires

One crawls in the mud, indulging, thoughtless

The other stares in disbelief, powerless

*

The most shameful corners of one's mind, laid bare

A surreal picture of one's inner wishes,

one's buried instincts, primal drive,

free from reason, pure will, an absurd spectacle!

*

And so ugly and vain and everything bad

are these secret, hidden desires

Akin to a perverted, distorted reflection

or perhaps, a glimpse of a truer self,

emancipated?

*

Well then!

Is that all there is, beyond a doubt?

Beyond our reason, morals and civility?

A kaleidoscope of carnal needs, barbaric,

a rejection of the world, in favor of one's pleasure-

An abstract Will?

*

''I throw away my future, my life, for this one moment.''

I waste it all, to make true my revolting wish.

To desecrate, lay claim, to take, simply, absurdly.

And my sword at the ready I stop myself,

Blessed lucidity

*

This is not who I am.

This is not who I am!

*

I lay down arms, never to be taken again.

A short lived solace, since I did stop myself

I idle in torment, troubled by my own actions

Yet the horror that I would go so far, only to hesitate,

I can't help thinking, perhaps that is what I really am?

A monster, and therefore, a coward?