Mona Lisa Smiles

and you just wait until you see

see what it is you’ve done to me

i think you may have set me free

nothing is like it used to be

i wave at my doubts as they scurry and flee 

please you just wait

just wait and you’ll see

cause if this thing work's 

there’s nothing wrong with my mental health

but i think i may have MK Ultra'd myself

i was feeling a bit off, a bit blue

that in itself is nothing new

so, what did I all up and do?

nothing

…

so, i was taking drugs the other day

uppers downers innies outies

coupla red ones for aesthetic athletics 

coupla panadol – future proof that headache now

some old worm tablets, half a Viagra and one ml vial of something grandad brought back from the war. All washed down with half a cracked vegemite jar glass of dirty tap water followed by a regular sized but expensive black coffee topped up with a very cheap vodka

and a

and a

and a cigarette

- filthy bloody things but they help with the ADD, and the cough

so yeah, you know minding my own business

all living and letting live 

when i thought i’d rummage in my mind

i jumped in feet first (couldn’t see the bottom)

in amongst the delusions behind the illusions

there was nothing further to find

from my vantage point inside my cranium

i was able to see every side of thoughts from one viewpoint

there was even a little button you could push that produced real time run time reports

so here's me right, knee deep in hundreds of real time thoughts thinking now what?

i reached to my left for a bit of elbow room and nudged the nearest thought. i was able to see a graphical representation of this thought’s entire existence up to now. i was able to see how and where this malaise i found myself in came from it was a a bloody cruel sea record i put on earlier (Honeymoon is Over) it was like a spy movie supercomputer

right inside my head

it reeked of pure efficiency 

everything had a place as there was a place for everything

numbered one to zero

sorted a to z

sorted by smell

sorted by texture

sorted in lieu of a grand naming adventure

sorted by instinct sorted by feel

and on an ever-diminishing scale

was the percentage ratio to chance of nothing real

i was able to manipulate my thoughts to a degree

i could copy but no changes to active thoughts would be allowed

it was like i'd upgraded access to my brain

wacked a new skin on it and now sat here with the biggest wow on my face.

i pulled up the thought from earlier and hit pause. 

i felt a little Mona Lisa smile 

form upon my pursed lips

not sure how to set a default thought when pause is engaged?

i no longer felt down

i chose not to

i get it now

i apologise 

i think i’ve been at war with my brain

for near on most of my life

a series of running battles, border escalations and a police action or two later

oh, to be sixteen again knowing this

control and choice

better late than never

choice and control

i may be full of shit but I also feel pretty good

we are a highly evolved series of inter and intra connected organic based computers

powered by decomposing anything really and decaying plant matter –

some models run on just the decaying plant matter but i reckon sometimes you gotta get your teeth into a bit of decomposition

and of course there’s a fuckin cheat code somewhere!

i don’t wanna collect all the trophies

i just wanna finish the game