Messy

Family is everything

But not to me.

(They say)

Family has always been

What makes me bleed.

I have scars

If you care to see them.

On my wrists and my thighs,

There are also some in my mind,

I can show you the pill bottles.

All of the responsibility

Falls on me.

“Feed your brothers.

“Help with homework.

“Listen to my problems.

“Control your father.

“Protect your siblings.

“Pick up the pieces.

“Save us...”

I’m an adult now.

“You’re his guardian,

We don’t need the responsibility.”

“Dad's friends offered me drugs.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll save you.”

You take it.

Try to fix it.

Hope you can save it.

I’m just a happy 20 year old

That hears the cries for help from my siblings

Even as I drift to sleep,

Only to hear the muffled cries in my nightmares.

I’m living in the moment.

Elbow deep in paperwork,

Trying to fight my grandfather's dementia

And the state because my family hasn’t paid for his care.

I always have a smile on my lips.

I have anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder,

I have an OCD called Trichotillomania,

I literally pull my own hair out.

I am broken,

But my family is too.

I call them occasionally.

They pass the phone around.

They tell me how hard life is.

How much they wish

Someone would carry their burdens.

Someone would just help them.

I am put together,

In my business suite,

Balancing four jobs,

And full-time school.

I am buying my first house.

My lender says my credit is great,

Especially at my age,

But I should put more in my savings.

I support myself.

My bills are paid on time.

My credit card balances stay low.

I even pay for my own health insurance.

But sometimes, at night,

I lay awake.

I look for constellations

On the ceiling.

I think,

“Who will save me...?”