memory palace

I lost my best friend in 2020

he wanted me to talk to his new girl

and I wouldn’t

not on the phone

and I certainly wasn’t going to follow her on ig

its been almost 4 years since we spoke

I wonder what it will feel like when we’ve been estranged for longer

than we knew each other

being seen by him was simultaneously the most horrifying

and comforting experience of my life

in nine summers, will I still be falling over myself trying not to think about him?

will he even remember me?

does he ever think about me?

he had broken my heart many times before

and at the most recent cracking of my chest;

our ritual sacrifice

he acted like I begged for it

and i suppose i did

he ghosted me

and i lashed out

by moving in with my boyfriend

i was starving

and letting him harm me was my favourite meal

but as I watch his life through the rear view mirror of

our acquaintances’ lives

him blurry in the background or

his eyes staring back at me through his newborn son’s

i often think about how

when he first met me i was so open hearted

and so was he

powerless in the way I fell for him

like water running downstream

much greater women have been dismantled by much more

than what he did to me

but i can’t stop writing about him

an itch i cannot scratch

every morning i rise and

lay flowers at the foot of the monument

i built in his honour

from materials carved out of my body

like the gutting of a fish

but i’ll still etch these words into the backside of my teeth

immortalising him

holding his name in my mouth

but never speaking it out loud