Masterminds & Masterpieces

They planned it all so that
If I fell again, they would remain unmoved –
Showing no emotion, acknowledging nothing.
I would be left alone with my own thoughts,
And those thoughts were what terrified me most.
There was no escape from them, for they were lodged in my mind;
I had to cope with them as best I could.
I was lucky to have built my inner world early on;
Books, music and movies helped me the most.
People, not always, for it depended on their own experiences.
Sometimes even my closest friends turned against me,
Siding with the very enemies I was fighting.
By speaking it all aloud,
I learned things I never wanted to know:
About the mother who had left five children behind
To go on a journey of self-discovery,
Leaving for another country to earn money, but for more than that, too;
Spending holidays and days off alone,
Exploring new places, while her children, left to fend for themselves
At home with two of her ex-partners,
Longed for a mother’s love, until eventually,
They cut ties with her.
There is no longer room in her life for her children or grandchildren;
Only her eldest daughter maintains a relationship with her,
Because she was already able to fend for herself,
Or simply, against all odds, missed her mother.
Stories from the past and brand-new ones;
A guy who saw his ex in me
And accused me of things she actually did.
After a close encounter with him,
I can’t bring myself to look at another man;
Not for the rest of my life.
They can be friends, but never lovers.
That’s the kind of charm he had.
In the end, he wanted to make sure
That he’d never done anything wrong.
He asked if I’d been with anyone all those years,
While he’d spent five years screwing the neighbours without a shred of remorse,
Making matters worse every time;
Humiliation was second nature to him.
And so, with no one to talk to,
No one to share my thoughts on pain and suffering,
I found my own support within the pages of my books.
I had the best teachers; I have to admit that,
Characters born in my mind, laughing and crying right along with me.
They said: “We just want to be free
And fill the pages of your books, my dear!”
And that is exactly what they did.
I’m glad, because thanks to that
All those bad apples are gone
Off to where, for the rest of their sad lives,
They’ll wonder why
It all had to happen.
I could tell them straight out, without preamble:
A lack of honesty with themselves;
Emotions fuelling the wrong kind of behaviour
And projecting it all onto others.
That was the cause, nothing else.