making tea.

Water begins to boil in the other room as I sit on this rather uncomfortable couch, who’s wooden box make-up is pressing into my ankle.

This thing that I am sitting on?

This place that I am in?

Both the embodiment of the impulse that I am now living out. Off the bat my worst fear was realized, and you disappointed me once again. But it was honestly expected, and with one pull of the devil’s joint left over from last night, everything is forgotten.

Now, last night, that was a great way to start off a vacation you know you really shouldn’t be on. We engaged in some light arguing, which no one was taking seriously and, I’m sure, reminded both parties of days past and simpler times. In some books, that light argument alludes to bigger threats. But in mine, we are fully functioning adults, exercising our right to flirt. After all, it was the child versions of ourselves who initially conceded that angry sex was better than make-up sex.

As I am getting to know you in adulthood, I venture to say that our days of past might be lost on you. In our lives, we suffer similar instances through different filters. In Paris, my time with the nightlife became overtly intimate and often – more still than the nights of my youth. Years of partying had temporarily melted my brain. There are cherished childhood memories gone forever from my mind, and that is exactly the reason for the choices I made leading me to where I stand today. If I hadn’t comeback when I did, I fear we would have lost me way further than we had.

I believe you’ve had a similar relationship with the nightlife, but you’re still in it. You still heavily participate in her gatherings, and swoon at the temptation to visit.

It is quite unbecoming and starting to cause worry.

I don’t want you to lose the memories that I did. I don’t want you to muddle the lines when you speak and try to follow through – I want you to live up to and fulfil expectations.

Someday I am going to experience it, with someone, but for now I expect disappointment. I guess that’s why I am still happy. In anyway, no matter how this plays out, I will have closure, and I think I will be done. This will be finished, and that prospect is making my whole body radiate happiness. I have loved you for a long time, and I still do, but not in the same capacity I once did. Through adulthood I see the damage within myself start to show in you, and I need to make the better choice.

So, here’s to living out your impulse, chasing closure, and boiling water.

The kettle is done, it is time for tea.