Love I loved the most

Love seems to be practically everything in most people’s world, as it was in mine. But what do we do once it’s gone? Suddenly there is this emptiness inside us. Leaving us lost, unsure, uncertain over everything we knew and what may come. That’s how I’m feeling now. I can remember every moment, every word, every kiss. Now the future holds a white canvas and I have nothing to paint with. My brush has run dry, my pen empty, my pencil broken. Exactly as I feel. Something to be discarded, someone that was discarded. Lead on for so long with such empty promises that seemed to mean nothing. Greed. Selfish. Heartless. How can someone do that to someone? How can you say you love someone so greatly as you did over the years just to tell them they meant nothing when everything is on the table. The word love should not be used so freely, so lightly, so easy. Someone should not be promised the world to be discarded in the trash. I am a living being! I am no longer the same person I was when I first met you. Everything you did to me, said to me, taught me, has changed me, but that should be expected after five years shouldn’t it? How do I recover from that though? How can I ever love again when I was treated that way? How can I ever trust again when it was so easily broken? I know not everyone is the same, won’t treat me as you did, but that scar is there. It is deep and still bleeds, will bleed for a great time. I’m not sure I can recover from a wound so deep, it is killing me on the inside. You’ve made me feel worthless and used, I gave you so much love. I know you’re the one in the wrong, you wronged me, but why is it all I can still think is “Why wasn’t I good enough? Why couldn’t he love me?” and it’s not right. None of this is. It makes me wish I never met you, never felt any of this. And that hurts. I don’t want to regret you. To regret loving you so much. But I don’t want to feel this pain, this betrayal, this wound. I don’t know which outweighs the other. I gave you everything I could, became who you made me, and in the end I wasn’t good enough? I know I deserve better than you, but I never wanted anything but you. Someone so connected to me inside and out. You mirrored my thoughts, my horror, my pain, my love. You were my perfect match, or so I thought. You knew me inside and out, you pursued me, pulled me close, attached us, why? No matter how many times you answer it, I’ll never understand why. I’ll never feel I’ll have closure on this, because I don’t understand how you can say daily for five years how you love someone only to treat them this way. Only last week you spoke of marrying me and today you tell me it was all a lie, you’ve been with her the entire time. That you were selfish and not wanting to be alone so you kept me close rather then letting me have a life. Like I was some back up plan that you’d hold onto forever. Sighs I just don’t know how to feel. I should hate you, despise you, maybe part of me does even. I even feel like at times I hold no love for you at all anymore, but if that were true I wouldn’t feel this pain. I wish I didn’t. I could keep writing, but now I feel as though I’m just rambling on and on about the same thing.