Lost Soul

But it's not about

the expectation,

the next breath,

the next line,

its like

gravity,

it just happens

without thinking;

it is there

and then

it is ...

...

when I was

sixteen getting ready

for some dance

he said

every dad tells their

daughter she's beautiful, but

you actually are;

and in that moment

I bought into his

bullshit.

...

I don't think

He had been

Drinking yet that night,

although I don't know,

It was such a regular

Occurrence, it was sometimes

hard to tell, like

Did I ever really know him?

in AA we say

we're not really ourselves

when we're in the drink,

but when it's been so long

I don't know any different,

When does that simply

Become a personality?

...

I keep wondering,

Did I miss it?

My chance to get to

know him?

But I've grown up

with an understanding

of this larger-than-life man

who threw away

A perfectly good home

For the car

the blonde

the condo

the cliché,

and I became

the burden.

too young to be fun,

too wild to be easy,

I didn't fit into the narrative,

And so he

left

me.

...

That reality

Consumed so much of

My childhood, and all the

Dominos that fell

Into place,

The custody,

the checks,

The two households

Both alike in

Trauma and false gods:

One smelling of

Fake vanilla and

Watched over by

White Jesus,

The other soaked in

Cigarettes and booze.

Responsibility thrust

Upon me, I became the

Emotional support for stunted

Grown ups, both the

Caretaker for and the

Ignored.

...

I thought I was like him,

And I became

the same sort of sad

Lost soul,

But I shifted.

I wanted something more

for my kids, so I

Got dry,

Got help,

Got lost and found

Myself, but

In so doing

Lost my chance

In trying to be different

from him.

I still wonder what they'd be like,

What kind of a parent I'd be.

I guess now

I'll never know.

And so I'm left

To wonder and grieve

The childhood I never had

And the father I'll never meet.