Lost Myself by Loving You

I started by falling in love,

Flying butterflies like never before.

I had the confidence of hope,

Of being in your arms until we were old.

I saw my wedding day,

Where you stood by my side.

Happy and in love,

Where you were my partner in crime.

But maybe it was all a lie,

What I told myself to feel happy inside.

To believe that I was fine,

Because I had you in my life.

You became my who, what, where and why,

Who I was becoming, where we were going and what I would do to keep you by my side,

And when we were good, it all felt right,

But then when we were not, I blamed myself for our fights,

When you needed more space,

I wanted to leave you alone as if I was erased,

To make your life better in every way,

Even if that meant that I was the mistake,

And when I tried to change, and oh how I tried,

It was never for myself, and always for your approving eyes,

I made myself believe I wasn't enough,

And that is why I didn't deserve your love,

I told myself, how could you want me,

When in fact, I wasn't the person I used to be,

The smart, ambitious funny girl you fell for,

Was now mentally on her knees while crying behind the door,

With me losing touch of what I have in my life,

I clang to you to have all our fight,

I needed you to tell me that I had worth,

That even if I struggled, that our relationship wouldn't hurt,

But that isn't the case,

My actions have brought our relationship face to face,

Where we have to decide if the problem is within me,

Or are there differences between us we just can't see,

If by losing myself within us,

Is fixable and not reliant strictly on faith and trust,

I want to believe I can,

find myself again,

I just don't know how,

And the waiting in the idleness has turned me into a mad cow,

I just need something to find my place,

To not depend on you to be my escape,

Or for you not to be my sole provider,

But once again my happy amplifier.

Otherwise, like now,

I am thinking outside this house.

Questioning, maybe we weren't meant to be,

That there is someone else out there more suitable for me,

Someone more affectionate who meets how I want to be perviceved,

Instead of worrying about if you like my family,

Then I question if I’m enough for you,

Or if you're lying to yourself about the truth,

If you're accepting the good above the bad,

Even though you know I can't handle your level of sad,

I want to believe we can move forward, instead of backward

To stop focusing on the past and step into a new chapter,

Where I can discover contentment within myself,

And stop relying on everyone else,

To find my own passion and drive,

With the plus of having, you by my side,

But I must take it day by day,

Slowly releasing the pressure away,

Separating us, to find what's mine,

To make us better together in due time,

To stop incubating these emotions,

And to press on and find the hope again.