Lonesome Soldier

When I'm mindfully swimming in the ocean of this life and to my surprise, a wave of sadness washes over and submerges me in its entirety.

I begin to feel it deeply and ponder for a moment... Is this worth swimming out of?

and as I'm about to drown; the thoughts of the ones I don't want to lose and the ones who make me feel like I'm worth something; fill me with air and take me above the water.

The feeling of residual sadness starts to linger, but I have no problem staying afloat, because of those meaningful moments that play in my mind

After minutes of pause; afloat in the water, I continue to mindfully swim again and make my way to shore.

It is as if some force is trying to drown me, and it somehow feels justifiable, because those waves bring back passed errs and they push me into the dark places inside myself.

It's getting more difficult to continue swimming and my dislike for myself and dissociation with the world is reeling me towards an infinite numbness.

Cure me, but I am not sick , I am the sick part of nature

like a beautiful plant that will dissolve your skin

I may act fine, but I'm not fine within

far worse than I feared, lot's of crying no tears

where is my mind, running out of sweet time

It's here, there and gone; can't resonate with anyone

My thoughts are like scribbles on a page

from year 10 to my current age

A stack of white printer paper would bring me joy

because I can scribble, paper was my toy

I didn't know what I was thinking

but the thought of scribbling had me tingling

It is a stress release, that's for sure

oh and my mind, my mind would purr

Nothing but lines, crossing back and forth

but those are my thoughts, they don't point north

It's late and I'm listening to the old songs that kept me alive when I was younger. Even though they don't always take me back to the best time of my life; I miss discovering them and allowing them to take me to better places. I don't need them as much anymore, but they comfort me and warm my heart: They are here when I need them.

Sinking where the light can't reach

the words inside that can't make speech

my mind is blurred, and yet so clear

the blur has gotten easy to hear

I hear a broken, that wants to end

but can my broken ever mend

I am darkness that aspires to be light,

but sometimes I feel worthless

and as I'm about to fall, I take flight,

I know I have a purpose

I've done things I can't erase

Oh how I wish to leave this place

What happened to me, for me to be this way

did something happen to cause me to fray

It's getting worse and it's getting better

but all I can do is write a letter

to myself, is who I write to

because I'm ashamed of what I go through

I'm trying hard to let my friends help

but to me is where yelp

Will anyone understand

I've convinced myself otherwise

I'm desperate and in demand

it's me whom I'm beginning to despise

Unrooted, never uprooted

for I have no roots

my seed is dead

getting lost in my head

nothing but dread

Journal Entry

A traumatizing event in my timeline must have caused something inside me to freeze: I don't remember any specific haunting memory, other than my haunting childhood as a whole. Okay, some things were wonderful, like school fieldtrips and playing games, but something definitely happened to make parts of me awful. It feels like something is broken.

What I want more than anything is to remove Mr. Hyde completely: Clearly I am desperate for change. I can fight him easy peasy, when I am with my loved ones, or distracted with work, but it is times of solitude where his influence is loud and clear.

I am beginning to understand more of myself and this darker side, but after the first few dates with it, I can't tell if I'm lying to myself, or being honest.

I am very interested in taking more time with myself and getting answers.. One sure way which I recently discovered was to write down my questions and answer them myself. I find that I am able to answer myself pretty quickly, as it is who I am questioning inside myself that responds. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm on to something and this brings me hope and I need hope right now.

onward;