Little Red Riding Hood

This epic poem version of Little Red Riding Hood follows the style of Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman. I have retained some of Noyes' wording, most notably in the first two stanzas, so that readers familiar with the poem will instantly recognize it and because it fits nicely into the story. If you are not familiar with the poem, I recommend you find it online and read it before you read my parody. It is one of the greatest romantic poems ever written in my opinion.

The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees.

The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas.

The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,

And Little Red came riding—

Riding—riding—

Little Red came riding, towards the forest floor.

She’d a red riding-hood on her forehead, a bunch of lace at her chin,

Her cape was a claret velvet, and her dress was brown doe-skin.

They fitted with never a wrinkle. Her boots were up to the thigh.

And she rode with a jeweled twinkle,

Her carrying bag a-twinkle,

Her pale blue eyes a-twinkle, under the jeweled sky.

She was on her way to Grandma’s, she was bringing a lovely snack

She had pastry shells and candies tucked in her haversack

She whistled a tune as she rode on, and who should be waiting there

But a fearsome black-eyed lone wolf,

Big Bad, the black-eyed lone wolf,

Licking his lips as he saw her, as he saw the maiden fair.

“And where are you going, fair lady,” the wicked old wolf he cried.

“I’m off to see Granny,” said Little Red. “Off to Granny’s I ride.

She’s not well at all, sir. She’s not very well I’m afraid.

So I’ve brought soup and some chocolate,

Some very rich Dutch chocolate.

It’s chocolate that I myself made, chocolate I myself made.”

“Then pick her some posies, fair maiden,” the sly-hearted wolf he said.

“There’s some over there in yon bower. Over there in the shade.

Pick her a fine bunch of flowers. Red ones and yellow ones too.

Pick them right there by the moonlight

Just over there by moonlight.”

“I’ll do it, sir,” said Little Red. “I’ll do it. I will. Thank you.”

But while she was picking the flowers, the wolf he made his escape.

He dashed through the woods to Grandma’s, right to her garden gate.

When Red turned round he was long gone, gone into the night.

But she had her flowers in the moonlight,

Such pretty flowers in the moonlight.

She knew that her Granny would like them, be overjoyed at the sight.

She rose upright in the stirrups. She tightened the hood on her head,

To her horse gave a cluck and a spur. Looking quite bonny, that Red.

The steed broke into a gallop. He knew just where he should go.

Our maiden held tight to the reins now

Clutched very tight to the reins now

“To Granny’s,” she cried to the horse. “She needs us so don’t be slow.”

Meanwhile the wolf had been busy as into Gran’s house he did barge.

He swallowed the old woman whole then. She really wasn’t too large.

He put on her nightie and nightcap. And climbed right into Gran’s bed.

Tucked himself under the duvet

Cozy under the duvet.

All of him under the duvet, all of him except his head.

Little Red arrived at the house soon. Up to the house she rode.

She gathered her flowers and food and up to the doorway she strode.

She flung open the door as she entered and Granny in bed she spied.

Frail old Granny in bed there

Dear dear Granny in bed there

Something odd about Granny in bed there. Her eyes were much too wide.

“My what big eyes you have, Granny! What great big eyes you have.”

“All the better to see you,” the sly wolf said with a laugh.

Definitely something askew here. Gran’s voice was much too deep.

“Your voice is so deep, dear Granny,

A gruff deep voice, dear Granny”

“I’m a little bit hoarse,” said the wolf then. “I haven’t had very much sleep.”

Little Red offered her basket and the wolf reached out for the treat.

“Soup, some pastry and chocolate. Not really what I want to eat.”

Red saw his paws as he reached out and thought them unusually big.

“What large hands you have, dear Granny,

Such great big hands, my Granny.”

“The better to hug you, dear child,” as the wolf toyed with a parsley sprig.

As the wolf lay there speaking, Red noticed the teeth in his maw.

“What big teeth you have, Granny. What very sharp teeth in your jaw.”

The wolf leaped out of bed then, leapt with a powerful bound.

“The better to eat you my dear!

I’m going to eat you my dear!”

He snarled as he approached her. “It’s pointless to make a sound.”

“You think a woodsman will save you as in the story we’re told.

One killed my great great Grandpa and saved your great great Granny of old.

But I learned from that long ago lesson and the woodsman is no more.

I ate him along with your Grandma.

Not as tasty as old Grandma.

I swallowed him whole like your Grandma. There’s his hat on the floor.”

“Now there’s no use whimp’ring. I’m sure you will be quite yummy.

When you join your dear Granny and the woodsman in my tummy.”

But Red pulled a Woodsman 98 pistol, larger than a Colt 45.

She aimed it at the big bad wolf then

Aimed with great disdain at the wolf then

And said to the cocky dark wolf then, “You won’t escape here alive.”

“Aha! You’ve forgotten one thing,” sneared the wolf with a boast.

"Your Granny is inside my belly. Shoot me and Granny is toast.”

Red smiled as she surveyed the lone wolf. “I’m a 21st Century gal.

I’m a crack shot with this cannon.

Can hit a dime with this cannon.

I’ll aim for your head with this cannon. You’re done now, wolfie old pal.”

The wolf he begged and he pleaded. “Please spare my life, sweet child.”

“You say you swallowed them whole, Wolf?” said Little Red as she smiled.

“Can you regurgitate Granny? Upchuck the woodsman as well?

Can you make yourself vomit?

Hurl them out like a comet?”

“I can,” said the Wolf with relief then. “I’ll do it. Gee, you are swell.”

The wolf he opened his mouth then, stretched it as wide as he could.

He stuck a finger in and tickled, just as he knew that he should.

His stomach roiled and gurgled, and belched as his insides were purged.

The duo came out of his tummy,

Both of them playing gin rummy.

They smiled at Little Red’s pistol. “Now shoot him,” they both urged.

But Red had made Wolf a promise. She didn’t want to clean up a mess.

She didn’t want Wolf’s guts splattered and blood all over her dress.

So she said, “Just tie the creep up, Gran. Tie him up tight with that rope.”

They tied the wolf up in the moonlight,

Tied him up tight in the moonlight.

They used a knot hard to unravel, a Granny knot, she was no dope.

The police soon came and took Wolfie, took him away to the brig.

And Granny, the woodsman and Red celebrated by dancing a jig.

They danced and twirled and cavorted, music soared to the rafter.

They spent happy hours playing rummy

No longer in the wolf’s tummy.

The ending should be quite clear now. They lived happ’ly ever after.