Life Rearranged

"I must be dreaming.."

I whispered out loud staring out into the crowd from the driver's seat of my car.

"There's no possible way.."

I said to my dog who was now sitting up in the passenger seat of my car.

Everything looked the same as it once did.

"How long has it been?" I questioned myself.

Thinking back to when all the chaos that has become my life began.

Maybe 5, maybe 6 years have gone by...

Dwelling on empty, residing on nothing.

Squandering to make it to the next day.

Hopes and dreams all scattered; lost along the way.

No matter what the evenings entailed the nights still brought us mornings of this place right here.

I leash up my happiness; my second joy to my boy.

It's his choice he hardly sees me anymore.

I'll never be what he needs me to be.

I'll never have what I should have as his mother.

Nothing for me to offer but me.

Reminding myself not to dwell on the past.

How can you move on so quickly?

Do you believe it will last?

They say misery loves company, I'll save you some room.

Shaking off the negativity; the feeling of gloom.

Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't bother me really, it's quite lovely here in the summertime.

It wasn't by choice for me to come circling back.

This time it was purely necessity and I have a good reason.

A go-between some may call it during the changing of seasons.

Thinking back to the nights I spent here long ago.

Nights I spent right here with the man I used to know.

We had no where else in the world to go.

An oasis on the side of the highway.

Smack dab between 'been there before' and 'too far from home'.

People steadily hustling in and out.

Stretching their limbs.

Children running about.

Silently we would watch them from afar sitting together in our car.

We somehow found comfort there; our car was our home.

No one ever stayed very long, or so it seemed.

No one else stayed there overnight it was just him and me.

And as fast as their cars zipped right in; it was a race for them to get moving again.

"Highway bound!" they exclaimed as they hurried away.

"Destination unknown," you would turn to me and say.

Living on laughter and dreams we managed okay.

So now I try desperately to blend.

Small talk I make as I try to fit in.

I tell them I'm traveling to some far off place.

It's different each time; to a place I've never been.

Forgetting their names, erasing their face.

Walking my dog now enjoying this space.

But the fact still remains, that here I am again showing nothing but losses and entirely no gains.

The easiest for me to do is to blame it on him because he never came through.

He promised me the world, the sunshine, diamond rings and the moon.

I believed it before I seen it.

I should have known it was to good to be true.

But honestly I think he believed it all too.

In retrospect, I'd like to think where there is moonlight there is romance.

I won't allow anyone to steal that from me.

So I do let it flourish but only in my dreams...

He staggers in and takes me by the hand.

There's no one to stop us, they weren't part of our plan.

Just him and me and a whole lot of love hanging on so delicately as if by a string.

Such a crazy past.

Together we thought we could conquer anything.

I wonder if it's the same for him now.

It's like I can feel it some how.

Waking up knowing where you're at but at the same time feeling so lost.

I see his face in strangers so often it leaves me quite shaken.

He must wake up startled with her thinking he must be mistaken.

So here I sit with my dog and watch the people pass.

Time goes by so quickly; I wish our hearts healed as fast.

Our oasis on the side of the highway remains.

You'd recognize it; not much here has changed.

The only thing different is me; my life rearranged.