Letting Go

Momma,

I know you think you ain’t did nothing wrong but I still remember the situations you put me in

Memories engraved into me

I’m branded by your sins

And you swear you were perfect and could do no wrong but I still remember every time you hurt me I never skipped a beat and would always play along

Cuz I could see the pain your actions caused in yourself and you’re my mom so the love is always there but then I started to realize that you didn’t even care

Not the way I needed you now or back then

Shit, Some of my deepest wounds you gave me before the age of 10,

And in a time I needed you the most you never showed your face

Leaving me overdosed

On pain and disappointment I started looking for your love in other placements and enjoyed it

Lost in a bottle with no answers at the bottom just further deepening the wounds trying to find a path to follow.

I had no guidance

So I paved my own way

Despite the roadblocks I can kind of breathe again I think I’m finally okay

But I’m afraid to settle into this new found peace because if I give myself a chance to breathe I won’t be ready for the next storm that falls upon me.

People always telling me to be more optimistic but optimism becomes hard when your living within your own prison

I’ve lived my life behind these bars for 26 years

Tortured by my own mind, crying out in fear, trying to desert your living nightmare.

Surviving your own demons and helping to create mine it’s just crazy to me you didn’t think how this all would effect me later down the line

I just needed you to love me. I needed you to care, and I needed you to be my voice but you weren’t fucking there.

Instead, you helped to create this monster within, that eats away at me breaking my stance allowing all that hatred to pour in

Debilitating my every attempt to be whole because you, my mother, couldn’t grab a hold

Of your own mind.

You dragged your years of hurt into the structure of my life and you want me to just be okay

Like I’ve had to be okay day by day

Not an idea of what would come next

And momma, as your child, I forgive you but as a mother I can never relate.

I took your every blow and defended you till the end but I was pouring from an empty cup and thats when reality set in

The love you have for me that shit ain’t even real foreal just something you would say to keep me under your heel,

Using my greatness to make yourself feel better

As if you played a positive role in the woman I stand before you today, but let’s be real, mom you only showed me what not to do in one hell of a way

I really do forgive you but I will never forget

How you abandoned your role as a mother and suited up in the role of an abuser becoming one of my biggest threats

And even still I love you with my whole heart something I’ll never truly experience with you cuz you severed that bond and now I just watch as our worlds fall farther apart

I can no longer extend my hand to bring you along this journey, this next chapter in my life is reserved for only myself because it’s about damn time I get a happy ending.

Like I said momma I still love you with all my heart and I wish you could just take me in with open arms but you’ve been wounded within your own battle carrying your pain along with you

not facing your own demons and bleeding on everyone who stands along side you

I’ve finally found my voice, and put myself first, you forced my hand in this believe me this wasn’t my first choice

But now I can see a life without you is a life of peace and as much as it hurts me to say I’m finally choosing me.