Letter 11/16/21

11/16/21

Dear Unnamed,

When you died, my mom asked me if it was ok if she asked someone to pray for me because losing you made me feel like I was the one who was dead. I was still going to church with her even though my belief in God was inconsistent at best. My belief died like you when you did. I thought she would’ve realized this, but I guess not. But I still went to church with her because it gave me time to be alone with her and talk. I went because my sisters and dad didn’t and I think it made her sad. I went for the blackberry and coconut Italian sodas. I went because I like the preacher’s voice. I had a lot of reasons to keep going, but I didn’t believe.

So I said yes because I knew she wanted someone to pray for me because she believed and she thought it would cure me, that God existed and what’s more, that God gave a shit. I thought it was funny how strongly she believed, but I said yes because I knew it would put her at ease at least a little.

One of the first questions the lady praying over me asked me was: “Did he believe in God?” And, Unnamed, this still makes me angry. I don’t see what difference it makes whether you believed in God and Heaven or not. You were still dead either way. Whether you believed in God or not didn’t change that you were gone, that I couldn’t get you back, that I never will.

But I told her that yes, you believed in God, because you did. That made her feel better. I guess there’s that, at least, if there’s nothing else. It’s funny because my grandpa killed himself not even 6 months before you died. He didn’t believe in God or Heaven. Imagine if my mom asked me to let someone pray over me whwen he died and if they asked me the same question and I said no. They’d probably think something along the lines of: “Well, fuck. He’s burning in Hell. What do I say to her to comfort her now? I can’t say he’s in God and isn’t in pain anymore. Shit.” You know? I don’t really. I just think it’s funny in the most unfunny way. It kills part of my soul. She said it’s ok, that you’re with God now, that you’re not in pain anymore and you’re happy. But let’s pretend for a second that I believe in Heaven and I believed all that. According to the Bible, my grandpa isn’t in Heaven. He is burning in Hell for the rest of eternity. What am I supposed to do with this information? I don’t have the slightest idea and this is what upsets me most, maybe. Or maybe it’s that everyone said it was your time to be with God, that he needed you in Heaven with him more than he needed you here, that it was your time. And I think this is a load of bullshit. Why would it ever be the right time for a genuinely good 18 year old to die? How do people genuinely believe Heave, all mighty and good Heaven, needs one more good person than this fucked planet does? It makes me feel sick with anger and confusion. I just don’t understand any of it.

Love,

Yours