Lazy

I keep saying I lose myself but maybe I am this person that’s left after “I’m gone”

Maybe I’m this mess in distress doing nothing at all

Maybe all my wronged is all my fault for not being as strong

My hurt, my healing, I let it go on for too long

And then I’m left barely breathing wondering why I’m alone

I suffocate on the couch at home

No one great watches shows for hours and postpones important things that could lead to celebrations and flowers

Have I even showered? I smell like I don’t

Greasy and bothered by slight movements

Where is my hope?

I have ambition one moment but I say I’ll do it tomorrow

Tomorrow comes and I’m still cheating myself, sunken in to the pillows

I feel safe here, but I shouldn’t

There’s nothing to distract me from my shadows

But effort takes too much energy, my mind never allows

Get up for work but tread through the day like I’m stepping on nails

Dragging myself to 5pm so I can have my alcohol and pretend my life isn’t what I’m making it

That everything else in the world is what’s breaking it

That I’ll never be that smiling little girl that I was when I was 7

Too much trauma and too many mental illness’s, I wish I was faking it

I am this sack of bones and flesh that wake up rarely and is never impressed

I am this hopeless girl not dressed because she won’t go anywhere there’s people to upset

I am the suicidal stress I put on myself as I lay in darkness yet ask to be helped less

I am the burden I think I am to others, I am the hurt I put on my mother, I am the pain I think the world creates, I am the problem in each day

I never lost myself

To my dismay

I think I found myself

In my depressed state

Who I really am

Compared to who I should be

This ones just easier

And I’m lazy