Johnson's Swan

Beware, my Princess, heed my warning,

Old Man Johnson hast o’er-reached himself,

Took it upon himself to raise a cygnet

Orphaned by its parents.

Now the fool,

Not knowing the word “imprinted,”

Has decided his experiment

May be a “bit too much.”

Ya think?

Hand-rearing a wee poor beastie

Into a monstrous creature

With the strength of a bear,

The mindset of a randy man,

And the temperament of a goose!

It has roamed the countryside

Looking for willing maidens-

Or dogs- Or tree crotches-

Anything with a bifurcation

That will sit still long enough

To do the deed.

Infuriating!

To compound his crime, Johnson

(thinking with his Little Johnson, I am sure)

Has given it a royal swan mark

And turned it loose on the pond!

“That’ll work!” he cried,

Dusting his hands.

Expiation for a problem

He entirely caused himself.

Now, nothing is safe outside

From cygnine amorous advances,

Cats are missing, dogs are terrified,

And even the horses are nervous.

(I swear, licentious penguins are safer,

And they prefer deceased aqua-avine!)

And now no one will hunt the lecher,

They perceive the mark,

And hesitation proves “ewe”

Worthy of tupping.

Short of chaining Old Man Johnson to a pole,

And giving him double spoonfuls

Of his own medicine,

What can we do?

My lady?

Certainly, I know much of science,

And have had many a riparian entertainment.

I speak only because you ordered me to.

Of the various waterfowl,

The rule of thumb-

Pardon the expression-

Is the more loyal the pair,

The lesser the – er, appendage.

Most birds have none at all,

God graced them instead with a cloacal kiss.

But water birds?

I assume they needed

A little more security

In the swimmers department.

Don’t get me started on ducks, please.

No, my lady, please.

Corkscrews, anti-corkscrew devices,

False vaginas, hair trigger springs.

Insanity.

But this is why

The statues of the gods

Have demure, flaccid, reminders

Of their discreet supremacy,

And fickle Fortune is – er, Priapine.

Oh, aye, there are kinks a-plenty,

And I would not think to shame

Those who have them.

Some are quite spectacular,

From multi men, to tentacular.

My lady, where are you going?

I mentioned it’s dangerous!

I do not understand what you mean,

What is “taking one for the team”?