It's Been a While

It’s been a while.

—

"It's been awhile, how are you?" You asked and I didn't answer.

"Not talking, huh? I remember when you used to talk all the time," You stopped your words for a moment, looked upon my bed and sat down beside me and crossed your legs, continuing your thoughts, "You would go on and on about how bright the skies always were. Even on the gloomiest days, you always seemed to make them so delightful and beautiful. I remember you jumping with joy when the skies changed colors. You'd take pictures every single time. I stood behind you, watching you as your eyes wandered the horizon. Now things have changed, yet you somehow still made my darkest nights turn into the brightest of days. You would take the stars from your heart and place them in my eyes. I saw better with them. The moon used to shine in your eyes and you were entranced by the beauty that she was. I enjoyed it immensely, all that you do. It was the best goddamn thing I had.”

You wiped away the tears from your eyes, although some were still stained on your cheeks. The grass you sat on was damp from the morning rain. The dirt was making its way into your shoes. You brought your knees into your arms and held yourself tight. You grabbed my sweater from your bag and held it closely to your chest, “Now all of it is gone, my days… they're not so bright anymore. The light disappeared and so did you. You left without a warning or a goodbye,” You stopped and took a deep breath, “How could you? How could you leave me all by myself?! The days are becoming lonely, lonelier than the nights you used to live. God, I still can’t believe you’ve done this. You’ve torn my heart out by taking the life from yours.” Everything fell silent except for the crickets that rang at night. You held your face in my sweater and released a cry. You turned to face my bed again, “It's my own damn fault... all of this. I should have known. Despite feeling the way you did you managed to put it all aside for me. You moved every star to spell my name in a constellation. What I did in return was—is unforgivable. I took you for granted, I put all my anger out on you, I hurt you badly. When I broke you, the look on your face… I felt so fucking guilty, and I still do. I never thought I could conflict so much pain on someone. Especially someone like you; you don’t deserve any of this. You were too innocent, just someone looking for a love so pure. Someone looking for something that doesn’t exist here in this world. Well…that’s what I had thought at first, but when I met you, everything I had thought about love suddenly changed. You are so pure and beautiful in every way. Everything you did amazed me. You showed me so many new ways to love, to live for others, for yourself… you showed me that a person can care so much with no cost. I had admired that about you and I still do.” You clutched onto the grass, thinking about everything you could have done to make things better, to make them different.

“I tossed you around like an old toy and I had never thought twice about it. Now you're gone. You're all that I think about now. I can't do a damn thing without you washing over my mind like a tsunami over a small island. I should have noticed, I should have paid attention, but I didn't,” You stopped talking to prevent yourself from crying again. You choked on your next words and couldn’t hold it in much longer, “I'm so sorry," Your tears fell above me. I laid silent as you closed your eyes, "I should have loved you better..." You placed a rose, my favorite flower, above my stone pillow, "I'll see you soon."

— i.c.s. // excerpt.