Insomnia

I feel the warmth of the darkness taking over, a calm emptiness that i have grown to crave. Throughout the day my body slugs and speech slurs, praying for the time to come when the shadow that my eyelids cast can create a barrier from this world and bring me into another for a few hours.

I pull up the blanket to my chin, as i breathe deep my eyes close. Seeing now, nothing but darkness, a nothing that can soon become anything. i’m slipping, but i beg to fall quicker. Fall asleep, fall asleep, fall asleep; i plead with myself. Just as i am almost swallowed by unconsciousness, i throw a rope down to myself and grab on, both done, unwillingly.

A light bolts in my mind. i cry out, i just want to sleep. Another flash. I close my eyes tighter, but before i can stop it my whole mind is lit up. Lights chase away the peaceful darkness. shivers, sweat, tears, the light burns, like acid on my skin. I don’t have the answers! i shout, my lips quivering uncontrollably. i torture myself with the light of being awake, with the light of being aware. I am trapped in blinding questions, interrogating myself, every night for years now. Every night, until the morning light floods the room through closed blinds.

The sun is a harsh reminder that once again, no sleep came. Once again, I’ve proven that when your eyes are open is when the real nightmares attack. When you realize hell is a place inside your own mind, a place that doesn’t vanish once you’re awake. I beg that one day soon, ill be able to close my eyes, and drift forever, in a place where no light resides.