In the Middle of the Night

In the Middle of the Night

One minute you’re strolling through life

And the next, You reach one hand from beneath the covers 

and hold mine. Both of our eyes fill with tears

like they always do, It was Christmas

And I didn’t know it was the last time I’d say goodbye

,

I was awake in the middle of the night

Restless from vivid unsettling dreams

missed calls from my mother and sister

I knew before they told me

That you had drawn your last breath

In the morning I took a shower

I said your name…Gran, and goosebumps 

closer than you’ve ever been

.

I remember standing in your backyard 

when I was a little girl 

Telling you I wanted to grow up and live with you,

I said we would walk to the store down the street 

everyday for candy, and you told me that sounded nice, 

but that I might change my mind when I get older.

I could never have imagined how far away I’d run

. 

I’m sorry I stayed so far away, I didn’t honor the bond

In my grief is a regret I will never shake

I whisper this to the sky

And she smiles at me, she doesn’t mind,

She gently loves me even now and I’m still

Wishing I could prove I love her too 

.

In the middle of the night

.

Sleeping, a tear running down the thin skin of your still warm cheek

At peace you passed and you deserved at least that

The grief is complicated. The stroke took your voice years ago

I had relied on you being a phone call away. So in a way,

I said goodbye a long time ago

But it’s not the same, when you’ve left behind your human flesh

The woman that has loved me better than any other

not here on earth anymore

.

In the middle of the night

.

My grandfather calls and cries, says

He’s sad thinking of you being alone up there

Meanwhile I’m standing under the stars

My baby daughter in my arms, breastfeeding 

And I’m having a profound and peaceful knowing

That she’s with her mom, her grandmother, great grandmother, 

great great grandmother, great great great grandmother

On and on and on to the start of time as far as the eye can see 

My mom, me, my daughter on this side 

Keeping the blood alive

.

we are on our way too

A red thread, golden in the between, is unbroken 

And in this midnight stillness I feel the tug

My grandmothers hands, the skin so frail at the end, 

the gentle file of her nails 

I see her smile, I hear her quiet nature 

I see her neat penmanship in the sky, the secret to which she says, is to go slowly.

.

In the middle of the night

.

The secret is to go slowly, she says now

So I pull a breath down, and I exhale easy and long

I kiss the curly hair of the baby girl in my arms

And I say thank you, I’m sorry, I love you

.

In the middle of the night