In Case I Never Fall

To My Parents

My voice

is sometimes clearer

when written.

Not tangled in sobs,

not silenced

by the weight of unshed tears.

.

Lately,

a quiet fear has grown louder.

It lives in my bones,

echoes in aging years,

whispered doubts

with every wedding invitation

that isn't mine.

.

Would you be disappointed

if I never married?

If I never held a child

that looked like me?

If I never fulfilled

that silent duty

as a woman,

the oldest daughter,

the legacy?

.

It's not that I never dreamed of it.

But dreams fade,

and I wake up to myself;

just me.

And sometimes, that's enough.

I love my quiet.

My solitude.

My independence

like a well-worn coat

that fits just right.

.

But sometimes,

the loneliness

far outweighs the desire

to be alone.

.

I want someone to share life with,

to laugh until it hurts.

Someone to hold in the soft ache of night.

I still (sort of) believe in soulmates,

but maybe they don't believe in me.

Maybe I'm not one of fate's favorites.

.

And I wonder...

does that make me less?

Less of a woman?

Less of your daughter?

Winning in everything,

succeeding in everything,

but love.

.

Some days it breaks me.

Another year,

another birthday,

another empty plus one card.

.

I have passions.

I have friends.

I have family,

and a pet who loves me

sort of better than some people have.

But when I see good friends wed in candlelight,

previous classmates toast to forever,

it stings.

Not for what I don't have,

but for what you won't see.

No walk down the asile,

no white dress,

no first dance to

that song...

the one I saved for Dad and me

but may never play.

.

And worst of all,

the looks,

the whispers,

"She couldn't be loved."

"She hasn't found anyone?"

"Her parents must be so disappointed."

I joke.

I pretend I don't care.

But I do.

More than I wish I did.

.

I stopped searching.

I stopped trying.

And honestly?

I'm tired.

Tired of heartbreak.

Tired of almosts.

Tired of hoping,

only to be sorely,

sorely disappointed.

.

Maybe someone will come.

Maybe they won't.

But the walls I built

to keep the pain out

also keep love from coming in.

.

Still, I choose solitude

over settling.

Peace

over pretense.

But God,

I wish it didn't have to be a choice.

.

I'm sorry,

for the dreams that won't come true,

for the beautiful white dress I may never wear,

for the dances we won't share,

for the photos you'll never reminisce.

But I'd rather be alone

than with the wrong heart.

Still,

I'd rather be loved

than alone.

I guess...

I guess we'll just see.

But please,

don't give me hope.

- Nicole